the twisted-up view

so i have a confession. it's really, really hard to get myself to ever EVER read my bible and pray. there, i said it. i started a reading plan, finally, but then i had class for two weeks from 8-4 every day and got out of the habit. excuses.

so what happens here is that - and i'm sure some of you know this who have gone through these seasons or eras or whatever they might be/have been - i get this twisted-up view of God because i keep myself ignorant and shut off to Who He is.

and i choose this. i close off to the One thing that will really fill me up and spend too much time feeling empty.

i get on facebook, i type this blog, i look up whatever it is that i'm interested in that day. i work on the house. i get my classroom ready. i sit and watch tv.

and in all that, i find myself avoiding God. after all, in my current situation, He may just say something i don't want to hear. but then again, He may have these totally amazing baby plans for us that are just stinkin' mind-blowing.

i think what it comes down to is that i am afraid to trust God. just let me go to st. louis, let me talk to the doctors, and let them fix me. don't tell God what is going on because He might come in here and ruin my plans.

but what IF - WHAT IFFFFF - His plans and my plans aren't really all that different? what if He does want us to conceive and have a baby? (i must say that as i write this, i almost choke on the words, swallowing and pushing down the thought that believing it will happen will somehow "jinx" the process.)

the past few days, as if it wasn't my idea, i have caught myself musing over little things i haven't in a long time or sometimes ever: imagining watching our kids become adults and seeing the people they become, trying out a love seat and thinking how nice it would be for holding babies in, keeping paint color pamphlets that would have been discarded if not for those little pastels there in the corner, considering how little sleep justin and i might get next summer if things go really well in september, talking with justin about thinking about how things will affect "the baby" or "the babies," and just an hour ago resisting the urge to say, "what will we name it if it is a girl?" (we do already have a boy name, actually.)

little scenes and snippets play out in my mind before i can stop them, and i don't want to stop them. i want to know that God wants these things for us too.

i want to stop the twisted-up view and start realizing there is no "jinx" or "fingers crossed" or "luck" and there is a plan, and sometimes we just have to wait on it. if i get discouraged and don't believe it can happen, that does NOT mean it can't. God isn't going to take it away just because i think it can't happen. if i get excited and believe it can happen, that does NOT mean it won't. God isn't going to take it away just because i let myself assume it can happen.

maybe this blog will come to someone who is in my shoes and has been thinking the same things. maybe it will help me to tell you about my infertility and take you on this wild ride with us. maybe the end of our story - or rather, the beginning - will help someone find hope in something they thought was a lost cause. maybe someone is looking at God from the same twisted-up view i sometimes do.

i need to step up, i really do. i have to learn to trust, and maybe that's what i've been learning. i have to get in the habit of making good habits, like reading my bible and talking to and listening to God.

i know i can, but i'm going to need some Help. thankfully i know Where to get It.