the infertility file.

i think i have been in denial since january. i thought that surgery would cure me totally, and that i was NOT infertile. i have good fertility genes. people in my family just have to think about a baby to get pregnant. justin and i are healthy, young, and though we aren't as active as we'd like to be, we aren't in too bad of shape. my blood tests from our health insurance came back with the most healthy rating i could possibly get.

there's something in my brain that sometimes goes, "that person could get pregnant because she is ready and she is better than you. she is a better christian and God wants her to have a baby and He doesn't want you to." and month after month after month of negatives, that's pretty hard to shake. you feel like a failure. you feel like a let-down. you feel like your prayers don't get answered. you feel forgotten. you mourn sometimes like you have lost a baby, and often it feels like you have.

getting to july without being pregnant has been bewildering. i told my doctor that it didn't seem like there was "enough wrong" with either of us to keep us from having a baby. she looked at me very seriously and said, "stage four endometriosis is very serious." and that was that. suddenly, in my head, i went from being this healthy, fertile screw-up who couldn't get it right to being the victim of a disease that had robbed us of pursuing a family the natural way.

we are dealing with infertility. even though i'd thought about it before that point, i don't think i actually believed it.

there is something liberating about it, and there is something frustrating about it. we may never be able to have a family naturally. the four kids i wanted to just "have," aside from extremely successful in vitro cycles or a miracle, may not happen. but then, it isn't my fault or justin's fault. there's nothing i can do to make myself better. there's nothing i can do to make it work. medical technology may be the only thing that allows us to have our own child or children, and somehow after feeling like a failure for so long, it does help to know that.

no, it doesn't make everything better. it doesn't comfort me a great deal. but it does help me sort it out emotionally and mentally to put it into that category and file it away sometimes. i'd like to end on a positive note so that everyone just doesn't stop reading my blogs until they get prozac to make it through them, but i'm not on an incredibly negative note either. we are just kind of...suspended. we are waiting. there is joy and sadness in it, and the situation would not be real if that wasn't so.

*update from the medical realm: i got my 100 mg of clomid this month - a prayer answered. i got my FSH/estradiol blood test today and i should find out results tomorrow. i am scheduled for the mapping/measuring and blood testing next tuesday, and our orientation is still on for next friday.

**update update: my FSH/estradiol came back normal.