Monday, March 11, 2013

our number three

two weeks ago, i was pregnant.

it was our first try for our number three kid, and the test was positive saturday morning, february 23.

sam and levi both "showed up" early on the pregnancy tests, but this one didn't. things didn't feel the same physically either, though i was tired and nauseous. i had the worst headache i'd ever had by noon on monday.

by lunchtime tuesday, i had started spotting. i was terrified. dr. jones had me stop by for blood work that afternoon.

my hcg was only at 4, when it should have been at around 10,000. the next day, the spotting got worse. my blood test thursday showed no hcg. when i got my blood drawn, i cried, and the girl drawing blood gave me a hug and said it happened to her once, too.

hcg, no matter how little, no matter how early, means a pregnancy. no hcg after having hcg means a miscarriage. dr. jones said it was random, and that it happened in 10% of pregnancies. he said our next pregnancy would probably be fine. he said, "so i guess this pregnancy was good - you wanted to be pregnant?" i told him yes, and he was sympathetic.

it was, and is, sad. i never knew you could miss someone you never even met, but you can. i never knew someone who never got bigger than a poppy seed would leave a void, but he or she sure has.

my nausea and exhaustion, along with headaches, stuck around for a week, making it harder, being symptoms that reminded me of what i no longer had.

it has made me thankful for our two healthy boys, and made me realize how much of a miracle they truly are (as if i wasn't convinced already). the girl who hugged me at the hospital asked me about other kids, and i told her about levi and about sam and how he was the only one from ivf. her eyes got huge and she said, "THAT doesn't happen." oh i know. i know.

it has also made me want another one that much more. many times i have said to justin, "i want our baby back." he agrees. but it can't happen.

and we are ok, but very sad. we would love to be announcing soon that i'm seven weeks pregnant, but we can't. we know God has a plan, and it is greater than our plan. that helps, though it doesn't take the pain away.

i miss my baby, but i believe that when i die and go to heaven, i'll have a little one rush into my arms who i have never met, but knows his or her mama has been waiting on that moment since february of 2013.