Saturday, July 31, 2010

having my doubts, and my frustrations

this month, i had a higher dose of clomid. surprisingly, i didn't have crazy side effects like i thought i would. i was fairly normal this time.

it changed my ovulation from day 16 to day 17, though i swore for three days that it was going to happen the next day because of all of the signs (read taking charge of your fertility). i would assume that if given a blood test, i would have super excellent levels of whatever it is that i'm supposed to have after a "good ovulation."

we had the iui on day 17. it took longer than normal, which worried me - maybe the nurse isn't doing it right, maybe she is messing it up, maybe maybe maybe. but then i had some cramping for the next day, so i figure it was as normal as possible.

i can't help but feel like a dairy cow - and i know i've said that before, but really. how much would i love to have a normal conception, and to have the surprise of a positive pregnancy test without procedures and medicines. oh well. it is what it is.

i have been having some serious doubts this time around. sometimes i think i doubt to "protect myself" from getting my hopes up again. sometimes i think i have resigned myself to thinking that the endometriosis will prevent me from ever getting pregnant without medical assistance.

i have had some frustrations about people refusing to be understanding through this, too, and i'd like to vent. still telling me to "just relax and have fun" clearly isn't an option. it's tacky and my gosh don't you think that with the summer off it would have happened by now? with endometriosis, relaxing doesn't do anything. glad i could get that off my chest.

another frustration i'm having is that i can't lose weight. not that i should WANT to lose weight but i keep GAINING weight because i can't exercise for two weeks of every month, "just in case" and i'm pretty sure the clomid is causing weight gain as well.

i'm definitely ready for it to be "my turn," which people have been telling me is coming for a year now...

2 comments:

  1. Keep your head up! It is your turn... one way or another... maybe you won't get pregnant having fun, but hey, 'having fun' may not hurt ;) lol. Maybe after this pregnancy that endometriosis will be gone for good!

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  2. Try not to blame yourself for the weight thing. That is NOT your fault...its the meds. Trust me. I gained 10 lbs from the clomid alone. Unfortunately the IVF meds just added to that area. Gaining weight was so frustrating for me because I felt like it was the one area I should have control over and when the stupid infertility took that away from me to I wanted to scream...and honestly think I did on multiple occasions. It has shocked me how quickly the weight has came off after Reagan though. Once your hormones are aloud to go back to their "normal" state you will most likely not have a problem!

    I also completely understand your frustration with peoples comments who do not have a clue how you feel or what you are going through. How I kept my mouth shut had to have been a God thing because He knows I wanted to spout off and just tell people how I really thought every time they gave me their "words of wisdom/advice" If I had a dollar for every one who told me to "just relax" or "if you stop trying it will happen" I honestly think I could have paid for all my infertility treatments without insurance! If you go to cafepress and type in infertility there are some pretty funny shirts that say what you wish you could say!! Or just google infertility shirts and you will be surprised how many come up.

    I'm praying for you (and Justin) and praying that this last IUI took hold. I don't wish this emotional torture (and yes infertility is torture I dont care what people say) on anyone and it literally breaks my heart that you are going through this. Infertility is a pain that I feel is like a cancer to your soul. I hate hate hate that you know that pain but I hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that even though so many people do not understand there are a few of us around who do and I know that everyone of us would be willing to take down the "know it alls" for you! Just say the word :)

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