upcoming events:

tomorrow, i take one last pregnancy test (dr.'s orders...i had some weirdnesses this time around and we have to make sure i'm not pregnant before we continue). if that comes up negative, which i'm sure it will, i start taking pills. i take those for 3 weeks.

on october 4, i begin lupron shots. those don't hurt - they are the little needles. justin is going to give me the shots so i don't have the psychological battle that comes with sticking a needle in yourself. if he isn't gentle, i might give him a lupron shot. i don't really want to know what that would do. probably nothing, if you think about it.

around a week later, i have an appointment in st. louis to get bloodwork and an ultrasound to make sure everything is shut down. if it is, then on october 15 i start stimulating shots. those don't hurt either.

that is all of the schedule i have so far. they have mailed one out to me, and hopefully i get it in time (not like the parking pass that came the day after our appointment).

i assume near the end of october will be the retrieval surgery, the attempt at fertilization, and further news on proceeding. obviously if neither fertilizes and grows, we can't proceed. if they do, then we wait for the doctor to decide when to transfer one or both of them back, depending on whether both of them fertilized.

if they do transfer one or both of them, then i will test around november 10. that's just a guess, but it's similar to my old schedule, so i think it's accurate.

my biggest fear is that we will get all the way to the retrieval and fertilization and that nothing will fertilize. i dread the phone call (probably while i'm at work) that says that i have nothing. i really hope that doesn't happen, but it's hard to NOT think about it.

i want to stay positive, but i know the odds are against us - especially since my endometriosis is really growing. my stomach hurts to the touch, and i have been walking around like i'm 90, slightly bent with my hand on my back, because i'm in so much pain. tuesday night, i laid on the couch writhing in pain and crying my eyes out. justin wanted to take me to the hospital. it's never been that bad before. it was a miserable 20 minutes, and then it gradually went away.

we are still looking at adoption, of course. i got some more information from the catholic social services place, but i don't know that we will choose that agency or not. it's so expensive, and when i think about how much student loan debt i have from following God's call to go back to school, how we need to get a new heating and air conditioning system (seriously, NEED - we have our thermostat set on 80 and are spending $250 a month on electricity, not to mention the house is unbearable in the winter without a space heater and blanket), and how justin still has a lot of school to finish before he can get a job, it is really frustrating.

so that's what's going on.