don't make it about you.
i have to preface this by saying that most of the people who read this don't fall into any of the coming categories or statements. most of the people who read this have been in our shoes and understand our hurt or are learning to understand by experiencing it through our situation. most of the people who will read this already have learned or are doing a great job of learning along with us where the lines are drawn, what is appropriate, and how to encourage. we appreciate you so much, and i can't wait to give that part of the "thank yous" at the eventual baby or toddler shower.
but for the others, this is my plea: don't make it about you.
i say this to avoid hurt feelings and misinterpreted, misunderstood, mis-something-ed statements.
i understand that infertility hurts. you might not. if you make comments about it that are out of your grasp of reality, you will upset me, because i'm not to the being-ok-with-out-of-line-comments-about-infertility area of sanctification. and trust me, our definitions on out-of-line-comments might differ. sometimes holding your tongue is best, especially if the only thing you ever say is to reprimand an attitude that you probably can't understand my reason for having. believe me when i say that my attitude isn't about you. most of the time it is a result of my struggle with the things that are happening in my life. sometimes my attitude is ok, even if it seems negative to you. sometimes it my attitude is sin that i am trying to repent of. either way, harsh words don't help, no matter how valuable you think your opinion is.
i KNOW that when we adopt, there will be trials we face that someone who has never adopted will never know. i know that if we adopt a child from another country or from here but of another race, there will be things our family faces in the realm of hate, racism, bias, and discrimination that most families in our demographic will never know. these things might come from strangers, "friends," or even family members. this is a real thing to be aware of, and it is natural to fear the situation to an extent. it isn't just a worry - it will be a reality in a small town world too often wrapped in a rebel flag. i should be able to say this without someone taking personal offense. if you take offense because of racist tendencies, then that is your sin to repent of. if you take offense because you feel singled out, know that i singled no one out in this or any other writing about adoption. it might be a guilty conscience, or it might be an inflated ego, but either way, you need to step back and think, "realistically, this is not about ME. it is about God and sarah and justin and how they are going to have children."
overwhelmingly, people have been encouraging. overwhelmingly, people have been understanding. people find the time to write us and tell us about their adoption experiences, their infertility experiences, or just simply to encourage us and ask us questions about how things are going. people come out of the woodwork to encourage! people have adopted and shared it with me, and i had had no idea at all that their families were made through adoption. and we love that. we really do. we love making it about a community of adopted people - adopted by God as children - sharing love and encouragement.
i could spend an hour making potato soup - and let me tell you, my potato soup is awesome because it's filled with fat and calories and amazingness. if, at the end of that hour, the soup is done, it's delicious, and it has had all of these good, yummy things poured into it, i just pour in a little bit of arsenic, you have to throw the soup out.
don't be the arsenic. don't make it about you.
(thanks for the encouraging ones who read this anyway and listened to me vent.)
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