obviously, you don't get this far into a struggle with infertility and NOT consider adoption as a good, viable option. before i even knew i was infertile, i knew i had a calling to adopt. it was just one of those things that didn't seem like it would be the only way (or perhaps the first way when God says "wait" on fertility instead of just "no").
in thinking about adoption, i have mourned for pregnancy, and yes, even childbirth. i have mourned for morning sickness. i have mourned for kicks and wiggles and round ligament pain and peeing constantly. it is not defeat; rather, it is just hard to consider adoption without mentally giving up pregnancy in some way, as i know that i would not have seriously considered adoption this early in my life and in my quest to have children if my physical problems were not present.
but i know how much we would love that child, and how it would be OURS, just as much as i am my own parents' child. i know God would have made that child just for us, though i wouldn't have been the vessel to bring it into this world.
i think another thing is the "i always wanted a child who looked like me" idea. (granted, you can give birth to your own biological child and have them look nothing like you at all). "he/she gets that from you," would be a different sort of phrase. i have recently had it impressed upon me that we are created in God's image, and that means justin and i are created in God's image, and that child would be too, and that is something we would have in common that goes beyond all other commonalities.
and obviously there is the fact that as christians, we are adopted into God's family in a most literal sense - though sometimes it is hard to think about it literally. i think adopting children illustrates that concept well, and i think that God had that in mind when He created situations and impressed upon hearts the need and desire to adopt children.
i do have some (hopefully irrational) fears about it. first, i worry that no one will be excited for us if we adopt, because "the child wouldn't really be ours." crazy, right? but it's there. i worry people will think we are some kind of fake, poser parents who had to cheat to get their baby. i know, it is totally nuts, and it isn't something that is at the front of my mind, but it is one of those thoughts from the enemy that are hard to shake.
i worry that our families will not accept the child as a "real" part of the family. it's not that our families are awful, horrendous, and exclusive. it just feels like i am somewhat of a black sheep in the realm of fertility - being the only one (so far and i pray forever) who can't have a child (yet or ever, whichever that may be). i should really say that i can't even think of one person who would actually not love our child, adopted or not, but this is just a fear i have that i wanted to express.
i worry that no one will throw us a shower and get us all of those fun, wonderful baby things and that we will go bankrupt paying for the adoption and all of the baby stuff ourselves. this is a silly fear, i know, but it comes with the territory - what happens when you get pregnant? people throw you an exciting, cute, adorable shower. and you get stuff that you need for taking care of your baby. and what happens when you don't get pregnant? i don't know.
i worry about international adoption. i know that children all over the world need parents, and i would definitely adopt internationally. my fear is that i would be severely lacking as a parent, living in a place where there are clusters of close-minded people who see skin color as a reason for hatred, and what does a white girl from a small town know about coping with racism? i can just hear it now..."mommy, why did you punch that man?" ahem. i wouldn't, but seriously...i would think about it.
so those are my thoughts, sitting here a week from testing and making other decisions and three months from being able to fill out an adoption application.
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