initiative is ok.

throughout the past year, i have had lots of emotions. it has been stressful and trying and ugly at times. it has been up and down and hormonal (thanks, clomid) and taking my temperature and cutting out caffeine in two-week bursts. it has been hard.

all the while i know how much we want a baby, and how it's no longer a thing that can be taken lightly. my endometriosis is aggressive, and no amount of de-stressing and waiting will make it better. it has to be handled aggressively.

i say all of that to say this:

more recently, i have struggled a lot with knowing how to feel about our pursuit of infertility treatments. i don't feel any moral objections toward any of it. i KNOW it must be done in order for us to have a baby, whether i am pregnant right now or whether we have to pursue further treatments. it won't work on its own, apart from a miracle, and that's that. it's pretty matter-of-fact.

but everyone knows that patience is a virtue. and i really want a baby, so it must be an idol. and isn't it better to just "give it to God?" so these ideas have made me feel like God has to be against us if we are taking any initiative whatsoever.

and in spite of all of the typical "encouragements" for someone going through a hard time, it's unfair to apply every message of perseverance and patience and putting away your desires to our quest to have a baby. i cannot simply say, "God wants you to be patient and just sit and wait and not do anything." He hasn't told me that. i cannot say, "if you would just stop wanting a baby so much, you would have one." that is ridiculous. i cannot say, "if you would pray about it, it would happen," because we all know that we have prayed about it for a long time, and others have prayed with us.

you don't sit around feeling hungry and hope God will send you some food. you go to the grocery store and buy it and cook it and eat it. matt chandler has a sermon about waiting around as a single person, and how ridiculous it is to never try to meet anyone and instead "just wait on the Lord to bring her to me."

we have made choices and have done things instead of just waiting around. we will continue to pursue this, and hopefully God will bless us with the child we want so much.