avoiding it

i don't like to go to church anymore. sunday school doesn't bother me, but church is overwhelming. it's not about the church service at all. it's not that i'm living my life in such an unholy way that i feel so convicted that i'm squirming in the pew.

for various reasons, instead of going and getting filled up for the week ahead, i leave more drained than i feel on a friday at 2:30 after a week of work. i usually am in tears by the time we get to peach street.

i just never know how something is going to hit me that day. i might be ok all morning, or at least able to fake it enough, or i might cry through half of the song service and the altar call. that's pretty taxing on a person who already feels run down.

and then, there are the poorly chosen words and phrases from people. i'm not talking about the people who are coming up and telling me their infertility success stories. that is actually something that i really feel lifted up by (albeit frustrated at my lack of a miracle). i just mean maybe an offhand comment about something. i try not to be overly sensitive, but my goodness everyone knows what we are going through. i'm not asking people to tiptoe around me, but telling me that i will understand such-and-such when i'm a parent doesn't do a whole lot for my emotional well being. if i make a purposefully silly comment about pregnancy or about babies or about children (which i am not totally ignorant of, as some may believe) and someone takes it seriously and corrects me on a fact "there's no way i would know" about, i want to crawl into a hole. a comment someone made on mother's day that was just not a good idea and completely unnecessary still sticks me in the heart, and it's august.

and then there are certain conversations i won't join, because i know i have nothing to contribute. just in case, you know, someone might be talking about pregnancy or kids.

and granted, more times than not, nobody says anything totally insensitive, but the times when people have just give me anxiety wondering which day it will be that someone does it again. and sometimes, i don't cry through half of the service, but most of those times it's just taking such effort to shut down and not cry that i might as well.

i understand these are all ways in which the devil works. he doesn't want me to go to church. he wants me to be sad. he wants me to get relief from not having to go to church. and to a small extent, i do.

i just don't really know what to do about it. and that's why i write - because i don't have all the answers.