avoiding it

i don't like to go to church anymore. sunday school doesn't bother me, but church is overwhelming. it's not about the church service at all. it's not that i'm living my life in such an unholy way that i feel so convicted that i'm squirming in the pew.

for various reasons, instead of going and getting filled up for the week ahead, i leave more drained than i feel on a friday at 2:30 after a week of work. i usually am in tears by the time we get to peach street.

i just never know how something is going to hit me that day. i might be ok all morning, or at least able to fake it enough, or i might cry through half of the song service and the altar call. that's pretty taxing on a person who already feels run down.

and then, there are the poorly chosen words and phrases from people. i'm not talking about the people who are coming up and telling me their infertility success stories. that is actually something that i really feel lifted up by (albeit frustrated at my lack of a miracle). i just mean maybe an offhand comment about something. i try not to be overly sensitive, but my goodness everyone knows what we are going through. i'm not asking people to tiptoe around me, but telling me that i will understand such-and-such when i'm a parent doesn't do a whole lot for my emotional well being. if i make a purposefully silly comment about pregnancy or about babies or about children (which i am not totally ignorant of, as some may believe) and someone takes it seriously and corrects me on a fact "there's no way i would know" about, i want to crawl into a hole. a comment someone made on mother's day that was just not a good idea and completely unnecessary still sticks me in the heart, and it's august.

and then there are certain conversations i won't join, because i know i have nothing to contribute. just in case, you know, someone might be talking about pregnancy or kids.

and granted, more times than not, nobody says anything totally insensitive, but the times when people have just give me anxiety wondering which day it will be that someone does it again. and sometimes, i don't cry through half of the service, but most of those times it's just taking such effort to shut down and not cry that i might as well.

i understand these are all ways in which the devil works. he doesn't want me to go to church. he wants me to be sad. he wants me to get relief from not having to go to church. and to a small extent, i do.

i just don't really know what to do about it. and that's why i write - because i don't have all the answers.

first friday back

well we all made it through the first week of school. i had the kids fill out "getting to know you" papers so that i could learn about them. this is the class that i subbed for a LOT so i've had many of them in class before. one of the questions on the paper was, "who is your favorite teacher and why?" to which one student replied, "so-and-so is my favorite teacher. but you were my favorite sub." HA. i'll take the compliment, but it won't affect the grade. ;)

in other news, my endometriosis is back in full swing. hello, cyst. it is shooting pains down my legs, across my abdomen, and up my back. i am not having surgery again until they take it all, so i'll just have to live with it. DUMB.

i have asked justin to consider attempting to fertilize three eggs. i think he is leaning more that way, which is good. we are going to meet with the doctor again soon, at least by september 15 but maybe sooner. if we can get her to agree to implant three if they should all fertilize and grow, i imagine we will.

of course, chances of this resulting in triplets are slim to none - even twins are probably unlikely. but with 1/3 of the eggs generally fertilizing and growing, maybe we will have one awesome tiny baby. and maybe we will have three, and maybe we will have none. it's hard to tell.

i have been afraid that God will tell me that i am not supposed to have children. i know that most fertile people probably think that's ridiculous, but it's hard to knock the feeling. but He hasn't said that yet. i am hoping He honors our careful consideration with a child, but God doesn't always work like that.

i think that my biggest worry is money to pay for the IVF. we have enough for one cycle. we would freeze any extra eggs, and if we needed to go back and use those, we could attempt it, although the technology is still experimental (so much so that it is FREE to freeze, store, thaw, and then if they survive, fertilize them). the only cost there would be the meds and the transfer, which probably still comes to $5000, but that would probably be covered too. that's when the money runs out. i'm hoping it doesn't come to that.

i'm hoping we just get a miracle baby this month and forget all that. but then i think i'd take a miracle baby any month, really.

we canceled

and i actually have peace about not doing it this month, because i feel like we need to reach an agreement on GOOD terms and in the RIGHT way.

we have both talked to my doctor, and she went ahead and prescribed me 100mg of clomid this month, so i start that on thursday. it's interesting because the days i will be taking it are a couple of days different in the cycle from what i had done with my doctor locally. i wonder if it will make any difference in how things go.

our prayer is that God will remember us, hear our prayers, and open my womb - that He will heal my endometriosis and allow this month to be the month we become parents, against all odds.

i'm just gonna say that if God wanted to work a miracle, these next few months would be a great time. please be praying with us for unity in our decision making, for conception and healthy pregnancy, and for our relationship to grow ever stronger with each other and with God.

initiative is ok.

throughout the past year, i have had lots of emotions. it has been stressful and trying and ugly at times. it has been up and down and hormonal (thanks, clomid) and taking my temperature and cutting out caffeine in two-week bursts. it has been hard.

all the while i know how much we want a baby, and how it's no longer a thing that can be taken lightly. my endometriosis is aggressive, and no amount of de-stressing and waiting will make it better. it has to be handled aggressively.

i say all of that to say this:

more recently, i have struggled a lot with knowing how to feel about our pursuit of infertility treatments. i don't feel any moral objections toward any of it. i KNOW it must be done in order for us to have a baby, whether i am pregnant right now or whether we have to pursue further treatments. it won't work on its own, apart from a miracle, and that's that. it's pretty matter-of-fact.

but everyone knows that patience is a virtue. and i really want a baby, so it must be an idol. and isn't it better to just "give it to God?" so these ideas have made me feel like God has to be against us if we are taking any initiative whatsoever.

and in spite of all of the typical "encouragements" for someone going through a hard time, it's unfair to apply every message of perseverance and patience and putting away your desires to our quest to have a baby. i cannot simply say, "God wants you to be patient and just sit and wait and not do anything." He hasn't told me that. i cannot say, "if you would just stop wanting a baby so much, you would have one." that is ridiculous. i cannot say, "if you would pray about it, it would happen," because we all know that we have prayed about it for a long time, and others have prayed with us.

you don't sit around feeling hungry and hope God will send you some food. you go to the grocery store and buy it and cook it and eat it. matt chandler has a sermon about waiting around as a single person, and how ridiculous it is to never try to meet anyone and instead "just wait on the Lord to bring her to me."

we have made choices and have done things instead of just waiting around. we will continue to pursue this, and hopefully God will bless us with the child we want so much.

this is it.

in four days, we will know if this last try before ivf worked. my temps have been extremely weird this time. i have had several low, which isn't good, for several days, and that doesn't usually happen until like day 31. it's been since probably day 24. hm.

with my higher dose of clomid this month, i can't be sure how to interpret anything. i have had several shooting, pulling pains in my abdomen over the course of several days. i have been tired. i have been emotional. and it could be pregnancy, and it could be 100 mg of clomid tricking my body into being overly hormonal. i'm betting on the latter.

our schedule is printed out and tacked to the bulletin board behind me. a baby schedule. how weird is that. call the doctor, get the final schedule, take this medicine, give yourself this shot, give yourself that shot, come to the doctor three million times in st. louis while you are working, etc.

so we will see how it goes this week and what we are looking toward next. this is it.

the importance of neat handwriting.

i had a kid in my class last year who had horrible handwriting and who also littered. i would find his scrawling, shaky handwriting all over papers stuffed into a desk on a regular basis, for which he received several detentions.

once one of my students in another class found one of his papers and read it.

he made a comment that made me wonder what on earth he had seen written on that paper. i later read it myself. it was about dogs and the various things that they were used for.

dogs, it said, are pets. it also said that dogs can be workers. lastly, it said, "dogs are therapists."

the other student's comment came back to me:

"this person thinks dogs are the rapists."

and that is why it is very important to practice your handwriting.

hahaha.

just in time.

i must preface this blog by saying (for those of you who don't know my "schedule" lol) that i don't know whether or not i am pregnant, so that's not why i am writing this.

sometimes, you want something - maybe even need something - and you feel like for some reason it is out of reach, even though you feel your intentions are good. you might pray about it, even praying daily for this thing that you want.

you might pray for so long about it that you begin to stop praying about it, thinking of it less and pushing it back from view. then you just stop altogether.

you stop thinking it can happen. you are abraham, asking God how in the heck a 90 and 100 year old could have a child. you are sarah (how appropriate, huh?) wondering how her worn out (or in my case, broken, just to interject the baby theme here) body can have a child - laughing at the idea.

one night, you might mention this old desire and even get encouragement to go in another direction from someone. it might be sound advice, too.

and then, suddenly, God answers your old prayer - the one you stopped praying. the one you gave up on. the one you just settled for hearing no answer to.

genesis 18:14 - is anything too hard for the Lord?

the phrase after that is "at the appointed time."

at the appointed time, you will have what God wants you to have. at the appointed time, your prayer will be answered in some way or another. at the appointed time.

and it's nice to reach that appointed time for something.

God sometimes reminds me that we are not forgotten.

thank You for the blessings,
the opportunities,
the people,
the friends.
thank You for Your love,
and the love others show because of You.
thank You for the reminder that You will answer at the appointed time.