i am having so much trouble believing this is real.
i am having even more trouble believing it will all be ok - that baby will stay healthy and grow and be born next summer and get to be cuddled and loved by us.
i have a crushing amount of fear about it. i am terrified.
i wish i could be excited, like really, consistently excited.
but with infertility, it's not like that. even the miracles we have had seem like they have to have a time to run out, because infertility doesn't work out well. infertility is ugly and bad and is a thief.
my doctor told me not to tell anyone until january because i could miscarry. thanks, doctor, cold hearted woman that you are, for making that decision for me. she literally said, "don't tell anyone. have you told anyone?"
on that note, i have a few really excellent reasons that i told everyone.
first, it is really hard to go through infertility nearly alone, with no support from family and friends. to keep the entire process a secret probably would have killed me. i had to tell about our ivf.
then of course everyone knew the schedule. they knew when baby would make news. and i was thrilled to tell. i still can't believe it. i just can't wrap my head around it.
but more than this is the fact that with each step of the way, i can say, "please pray for us. please pray for the baby," and people do. every time.
and it works.
people were not made to go through life alone - in joy and in tragedy.
and so i can ask now, please continue to pray for us. please continue to pray for baby.
(now i am going to say this - don't post something totally thoughtless and stupid in response to this, because i am extremely hormonal and not in the mood for inconsiderate crap. and please don't tell me that if i have faith, the baby will be fine, because that is not how it works, and if you think so, you haven't read the bible. and that is my rant. sorry it was so grumpy after this post, but i can't handle that crap right now. blame my double dose of progesterone.)
praying! and totally understand why you've already told... how could you not? don't know how one would get through it alone :(
ReplyDeleteWorry is normal at any and all points of pregnancy. You experience it until they are born. You experience it until they are grown. It's part of being a mother that begins at conception and I'm pretty sure never ends. :) In the end we trust. Trust a God who is sovereign, in the good and the bad. He's given you this baby, and He's growing him or her.
ReplyDeleteEcclesiastes 11:5 says "As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things." and so, we trust. Hang in there!