december 21, 2007

i wrote this three years ago on our honeymoon. in my defense, hawaii is 5 hours behind us, so it was easy for me to be wide awake at 7am there:

it's seven am here, and justin is at work for a bit (love the marine corps) so i'm here just relaxing. cody let us stay at his house, and it's absolutely gorgeous. we're at the foot of this mountain, just about two minutes from base, convenient on mornings like this. the windows are always open because it's breezy and it always feels...well, imagine the best, most refreshing, relaxing weather. it's that.

we went to the grocery store yesterday, and i remembered why i'm not staying here. WOW. it's so expensive. digiorno pizzas are nine dollars. cereal, you can pay six bucks. what's up with that. pineapples aren't too bad though. haha. so i got one.

i just got unpacked and i've got laundry going because my husband has more dirty clothes than any one person should, i'm sure. i had a leftover slice of pizza for breakfast because i don't live here and don't have to live up to their number one state in the nation for healthiness standard. probably because all anybody can afford are pineapples.

we went to the beach yesterday...it was gorgeous. it's always breezy though, i'd call yesterday windy, but the sun was out and the water was beautiful. i took some pictures, yeah, wait for them. depending on how long justin works, i may have the pictures up today. or not.

it looks like it should be another beautiful day. being married is weird, i can't really explain why. i guess it's just one of those things you have to experience, haha. it's good weird though. we are pretty much just retarded together. he protects me, i feed him, it works out. ;) yesterday i made him a sandwich for lunch before we went to the beach, and he was talking about it for two hours. that was easy.

it rains every day here, but it's not like crappy rain, it's the kind of rain that is refreshing (well, i know it absolutely monsoons here, but it hasn't yet, fingers crossed) and you don't mind getting caught in it. it will be bright and sunny and you're getting rained on, it's pretty funny.

and...that is about it for now. still just a few minutes after seven, and i need to go put the clothes in the dryer, because i'm an old married lady now...

december 18, 2007

this is a blog i wrote just almost three years ago, the day i was leaving to go to hawaii to get married:


ack. why am i awake.

ok just a comment, those cheesecake bites make me want to puke because they loooook like they are covered in like jalapeno popper breading, which is sick. ew.

i woke up at four this morning, and i can't sleep. it's stupid. i'm leaving in just over five hours. FIVE. til i leave the HOUSE. crap. so maybe i'll clean and get ready and finish packing...and still have like three hours left. let's hope not.
here's something. i'm ocd. i keep checking the ring boxes to make sure the rings are in them. how would they get out of the boxes? i don't know. but i'm sure i'll check right before i leave...right after i make sure the cat's not in the fridge 28 times.

justin says that "all i want for christmas is a real good tan" is a dumb song, but i like it so it's the first song on a cd of christmas songs i burned to take with me. perfect for singing at the top of my lungs when justin is trying to drive us somewhere. that, and i've been working on hitting all the high notes at the same loudness as a young michael jackson on the jackson five's rendition of "up on the housetop." i know you're thinking to yourself, "that justin is a lucky guy." and you're right.

not even 7am as i type this. how dumb is that. i want to go to walmart and get some magazines to stuff in my purse for the plane, and i have two books, but i'm just making sure i have entertainment. let's check the forecast in hawaii. right now it's 74 where i'm going. mmmm yay. and it's 3am there. the forecast is the same every single day. too funny.

ok i'm going to go get my day started.

one year, again.

january
i don't remember much from january except getting the news that i had a giant cyst...oh yes, that's why you're in pain and not getting pregnant. that kind of thing. we got a dog, because i needed something small to cuddle.

february
i missed isats at work because i was out for a week from laproscopic surgery for my endometriosis and the cysts that came with it. i imagined the surgery would do the trick for my infertility. justin had to help me do everything for several weeks because it took so much out of me. you don't realize how much you use your abdominal muscles until someone cuts them up.

march
i lost my job at the march board meeting because of financial issues with the state. our friends took us out to eat and it really meant a lot.

april
i started clomid this month. it was interesting. it did not work the first time around (or the second, third, fourth, or fifth).

may
i handed out diplomas at the end of my first year of teaching. to say i was proud to make it through that year is an understatement. i felt really accomplished. justin and i went to st. louis for a night and had some nice away time. i got a text message from a coworker saying congratulations on getting my job back. i had no idea it was even going to be voted on, and i was thrilled.

june
we started remodeling the house. it was possibly one of the most insane ideas we ever had. i thought it would take a month. we tore out every bit of paneling and drywall in our living room and dining room. we took out the blown-in insulation and put in new insulation.

july
we were still remodeling. i cried because we were spending our free time on an air mattress in the living room floor because the furniture couldn't be moved back yet. my uncles hung the new drywall for us and we learned how to mud and tape drywall from the internet. it was literally step-by-step...what's next? let me check online. we painted the walls. we went for our orientation to learn about in vitro fertilization.

august
we bought new furniture for the new living room. the new school year began. i felt exponentially less overwhelmed and stressed - the second year made all the difference. we hit some serious bumps in the road in our decision making for ivf and did not do the ivf cycle. six months had passed since my surgery - it did not do the trick.

september
we were ready to start the ivf cycle. we ordered all of the medicines and prayed a lot.

october
i took more medicine and got more injections than i ever thought i would. 18 pills and i don't even know how many injections. i had my egg retrieval surgery on october 26. on october 27 we found out that we had a baby waiting on us in a little dish in st. louis. on october 29, we brought baby home with us. we prayed a LOT.

november
the progesterone injections continued from late october. i felt funny but didn't want to read into it. i took pregnancy tests to make sure the hcg injection was out of my system - and it was. one friday night in the shower, i felt funny pulling in my abdomen. two days later on november 7, i took a pregnancy test before church. the line was oh-so-faint, but it was there. i said, "justinnnnnn i think there's a line!" we bought first response tests to see a darker line, and there it was. we told everyone. that next friday we got the official blood test - pregnant. the next blood test said very pregnant.

december
december 1, we saw our baby's heartbeat. i thought it would never happen to us. now i am nauseous, tired, emotional, hormonal, popping hard candies left and right, gagging as i walk down the hall in the mornings - and even after school today. this sunday we will celebrate our third anniversary and our one-year-in-the-house-iversary. (yes, we moved on our anniversary - talk about a hot date haha.) christmas is more exciting this year.

it's been a crazy, amazing, totally unbelievable year.

next year starts off with a bang, a new sister-in-law and a 12-week appointment within four days - we look very forward to both. :)

anxiety is normal at almost-eight-weeks, right?

i am having so much trouble believing this is real.

i am having even more trouble believing it will all be ok - that baby will stay healthy and grow and be born next summer and get to be cuddled and loved by us.

i have a crushing amount of fear about it. i am terrified.

i wish i could be excited, like really, consistently excited.

but with infertility, it's not like that. even the miracles we have had seem like they have to have a time to run out, because infertility doesn't work out well. infertility is ugly and bad and is a thief.

my doctor told me not to tell anyone until january because i could miscarry. thanks, doctor, cold hearted woman that you are, for making that decision for me. she literally said, "don't tell anyone. have you told anyone?"

on that note, i have a few really excellent reasons that i told everyone.

first, it is really hard to go through infertility nearly alone, with no support from family and friends. to keep the entire process a secret probably would have killed me. i had to tell about our ivf.

then of course everyone knew the schedule. they knew when baby would make news. and i was thrilled to tell. i still can't believe it. i just can't wrap my head around it.

but more than this is the fact that with each step of the way, i can say, "please pray for us. please pray for the baby," and people do. every time.

and it works.

people were not made to go through life alone - in joy and in tragedy.

and so i can ask now, please continue to pray for us. please continue to pray for baby.

(now i am going to say this - don't post something totally thoughtless and stupid in response to this, because i am extremely hormonal and not in the mood for inconsiderate crap. and please don't tell me that if i have faith, the baby will be fine, because that is not how it works, and if you think so, you haven't read the bible. and that is my rant. sorry it was so grumpy after this post, but i can't handle that crap right now. blame my double dose of progesterone.)

first ultrasound!

today we went for the first ultrasound. i was so anxious and nervous - i know that this early in pregnancy a lot can go wrong for not much of a reason at all, so i was ready to see what was going on in there.

i got the really excellent ultrasound lady - she is so nice and we just love her. she told me that first she was going to look at my ovaries and last she would look at my uterus. she measured my ovarian cysts, which are small and don't hurt anymore, and looked around - for what, i'm not really sure. she said, "you still have endometriosis..." and i said, "everywhere." we laughed, but it's true.

then finally, the uterus. she pointed to a big black spot and said, "now this is what you didn't have before." she measured the black spot, the amniotic sac, and then zoomed in.

and there was our baby.

i squeezed justin's hand as i watched the screen, looking for the little flutter of the heart.

before the ultrasound tech could say anything, i yelled, "OH! i see it!" and then i cried and cried. i had to make myself stop crying so that she could finish the ultrasound because i had the baby wiggling all around with my sobs.

then she said, "here's my favorite part."

she clicked a few times, and then, thumpa thumpa thumpa thumpa thumpa thumpa - the fast, little heartbeat. i cried again, and again i had to stop so that she could measure the heart rate, which was a very nice 140 beats per minute.

by the time i got up my whole face was wet with tears. she printed photos and handed them to justin and he looked at them in total awe.

we met with dr. ratts after waiting a really long, i'm-very-hungry-by-now-and-also-pregnant amount of time. she was all smiles. she said everything looks great and that we can go back to my regular doctor now.

so God has blessed us with a healthy little baby with a fluttering little heart. today was a good day.

*edit: i must love writing "*edit," but anyway - i get to stop the injections in 20 days! woooohoooo!