happy!

i accidentally took this very short video when i had the camera set on video instead of a photo setting.

he. is. fabulous.

<3

the last 6 weeks (almost)

our lives have changed quite a bit in the last six weeks. coming home from the hospital felt overwhelming at first, almost crushing. i remember justin and i looking at each other a little helplessly and wondering aloud why we didn't stay another night at the hospital where we would have at least had some backup with the nurses being there.

but, they let us go, and we went because neither of us were sleeping well there with beeping monitors, blood pressure checks, and those irritating leg things that keep you from getting blood clots continually inflating and deflating. we just wanted to go home.

and they actually let us take sam home with us. let me tell you that as a first time parent, being entrusted with a baby *does* seem like a small miracle. so there we were, just the two of us, trying to take care of a baby. initially it felt like we would never get used to it.

we got huggies diapers, which happen to have "wetness indicator" lines, and they constantly indicated wetness, which resulted in constant changing.

we religiously fed him every 2-3 hours, setting alarms to wake up in the night to feed him.

at first, recovering from the c-section, i was on medication that knocked me out, so i slept through any alarms or crying. poor justin - but he did his nightly single dad gig well until i was able to get off of the medicine. then he still had to wake me up (i still insist the evening before that he wake me if it is my turn and i'm not awake) because i was sleeping so well NOT being 39 weeks pregnant!

we swaddled. well, justin swaddled. he still swaddles much better than me. what is so hard about wrapping a baby up tight, i don't know, but i'm not as good at it.

we got peed on - probably daily. that commercial where the baby's pee comes out with the force and distance of water from a fire hose is pretty accurate. somehow he always needed to pee in the short window of time it takes to wipe and swap diapers. this is because, i think, he peed every 30 seconds. if he didn't pee during the change, his diaper was no more fastened and the wetness indicator changed colors.

the worst, though, was when the diaper was "mid-fasten" and his 30 seconds had elapsed. at some point, we gave up on the changing pad cover - wiping the plastic is easier than washing the cover - and we gave sam a lot of "baths."

i put baths in quotations because you're not supposed to submerge a baby's healing belly button (or boy parts, for that matter), so we did the warm washcloth bath. he hated it and cried through most of it until he got wrapped up in the hooded towel.

he started out a smiley baby, and no, he didn't have gas. he would grin in his sleep when you rubbed his hair, and sometimes he would even giggle and smile - i said he was dreaming of his momma.

if you have never had a newborn, i must say that all of this seems to take over your life - from cooing at your most-gorgeous-baby-you've-ever-seen to feeding to changing, and then you wake up at 11 am after taking a nap you didn't mean to take...it is definitely a blur.

and then somehow, there's a routine. the baby is more predictable, and you know his cries (and grunts and whimpers and coos) and what they mean, and the wetness indicator says his diaper is actually STILL dry!

we are actually on our second box of non-huggies (which work just as well). he gets changed when he needs it and there's no wetness indicator glaring at us. he doesn't do the 30 second pee anymore either, so we get peed on a whole lot less. however, if you have a little boy, do remember to "point it down" during re-diapering, or you might get a wet surprise right out of the top of the diaper. (i also decided it was time to bump up to a size 1 - tear, tear, he's getting bigger - because he was able to pee out the side of his diaper. i swear it was like there was no diaper at all.)

we no longer set an alarm to feed him. they told us to do this at the hospital, and maybe initially a baby who has lost weight needs it to get back to birth weight, but after a few weeks i think it's the dumbest thing a sleep-deprived parent could do. he wakes us up when he wants to eat and it's usually more like five hours instead of three, which is glorious. he eats while staring at either us or the light, whichever he finds most interesting at the time, and he usually still keeps those hands by his face.

we stopped swaddling because he wanted to sleep in his swing for a brief period of time, but we went back to swaddling. if you have an infant who will tolerate it, don't stop swaddling. he didn't sleep as well without his arms being trapped where he couldn't smack himself in the face or knock his pacifier out. when he's wrapped up he looks like a little worm or something in a cocoon, and it makes me giggle every time.

he now lovvvvvvvvves baths. i love giving him baths because he is just so stinking content and he just looks around quietly with his big beautiful eyes...sigh. don't even get me started on that soft brown hair. anyway, he loves baths now that they are actual baths and he can stay warm and happy.

and do yourself a favor - get hooded towels. you don't really need them to effectively dry a baby, no, but they are so cute that i feel like i might die of the cuteness, and that cuteness is a fun experience for every parent.

and baby lotion. oh baby lotion. the smell of a clean baby is something close to heaven.

also close to heaven - getting a smile in response to just being MOM. be still, my heart. he coos and "talks" to us about whatever is on his baby mind. i just love it.

i also love watching justin be a daddy. at first, it was so busy, we felt like we didn't even have a marriage, so to speak. but every day it got a little more normal, and then better than what had been "normal" for our lives - the new normal of being husband and wife AND dad and mom.

oh, and calvin is getting along just fine. he likes sam, but we aren't sure he knows he is a person or if he thinks sam is either an animal or a toy. he does not like for us to sit sam on him, and he will run away if we try. (yes, i pester my dog.)

so we are a happy little family. we are so thankful that God has blessed us with sam.

our july 13

i began fasting at midnight the morning of july 13, doctor's orders. we went to bed, me large, uncomfortable, and pregnant. we got up that morning, i don't even remember what time, and got ready to leave for the hospital. justin pulled into the circle drive by the automatic doors at the registration desk and let me out and then parked the car. they sent us right to labor and delivery. it was 10 am.

they took us into the triage room, which was full by the end of the morning with myself and two other moms waiting to have babies. i got hooked up to the standard machines, baby's heartbeat and movements, mom's belly (i did have a few small contractions), and an iv of something to replenish my fluids. they did a quick ultrasound to make sure sam was still breech. he was.

everything was going on time and as planned until about 45 minutes before my c section was about to start. a nurse came in and told me that a mom in labor had a baby in distress and that my c section would be bumped back an hour to do their c section and clean up the operating room. i didn't mind being bumped for that reason, but it gave me plenty more time to freak out and get hungrier. i was almost in physical pain from the anxiety - i'd never had a c section, didn't want a c section, and again, i was really, really hungry. around 12:30 or so, the nurse came in and told justin to get into his scrubs.

then it went pretty fast. she came back and told me it was time. we tied up the back of my gown and she held my iv bag. justin followed as we walked to the operating room. he had to sit out on a stool and wait while they did my spinal block.

the spinal block involved me sitting up on the operating table and sort of hunching over, slumping my shoulders, and "relaxing" while a guy in green scrubs stuck a needle into my spine. i write it in this tone so that you can sympathize a bit. i was just a little afraid. or maybe a lot. "ok a little pinch and that's the numbing," he said. then i had a shooting weird feeling down my left leg and i jumped a little. he asked which side i felt it on, then adjusted his needle. then they helped me lay down. it took less than a minute, probably.

they brought justin in and he sat by me and rubbed my hair and held my hand. i was still pretty afraid and he knew it.

"ok feel this cloth, it's cold. tell me when it stops feeling cold." in my head i thought, oh no, they are going to make me tell them when i am numb using only this. eventually it felt not-so-cold. meanwhile, some nurses made a giant barrier over my chest with blue material so i couldn't see the surgery. it wasn't just a short curtain, this thing went probably 2 1/2 feet up from my body.

dr. scheider said, "ok, do you feel this pinch?" i said, "i don't know...kinda." she said, "you're numb. i pinched so hard you'd want to smack me." i laughed. she said, "if you're laughing, you're numb."

the next word i heard, spoken quietly, was, "incision." it seemed like no time passed before someone said, "ok, you're going to feel some pressure, we're going to get this baby out." i looked at justin with wide eyes and squeezed his hand. it didn't hurt, i just felt pressure.

then someone said, "well happy birthday!" i looked at justin wide-eyed again with my mouth gaping. then i heard sam scream, a short little, "ba!" then another and another, until he was crying. and so was i. a nurse said, "time of birth, 1:19."

justin got up to take some pictures as i'd asked him to do as they weighed him and cleaned him off. he brought the camera to me and showed me, but i couldn't see it well enough to see what he looked like. then there he was, in a little hat, held next to me by the nurse. i kissed him and pulled him close to me to snuggle. in that moment i learned immediate love beyond what i knew i could feel for him even as i felt his kicks in the womb. he was healthy and good. i didn't know who he looked like. then they took him to finish up with footprints.

they gave him to justin to carry to the nursery to get his bath and get all of the other things done that they do to babies in hospital nurseries. they were putting me all back together. i had asked about keeping sam in there with me, but they acted like it wasn't ever done that way, so i just let them do their thing. i wanted him to get done in the nursery anyway.

finally someone got a hospital bed for me and they rolled me onto it on some kind of board, from what i could tell. i didn't have to do a whole lot in this process except lay there. they wheeled me down the hall to recovery. justin came back and held my hand and told me they were giving sam a bath. someone gave me medicine through the iv. i asked for sam after a while, but they said they weren't done yet. it was around 2:15.

they rolled me through the halls again, past the nursery and a crowd of my family waiting at the window to see sam. they pointed him out to me. i saw him but felt groggy. then they had justin push the lullaby button, which i was glad of, because i wanted to hear sam's lullaby. they rolled me into the hospital room and gave me a cup of ice chips. they were the best ice chips i'd ever had at that point.

by this time, the spinal had mostly worn off. i could move my legs, and i was quite loopy with whatever was going into and out of my system. my face started to itch. our families had come into the room and seth laughed at his sister looking like an addict withdrawing from something...itch itch itch.

FINALLY, around 3:00, they rolled sam's little cart in. i was so happy. they handed him to me, and everyone took pictures. then everyone left so i could feed him. our boy. i couldn't believe it.



yesterday we went to the doctor to get my staples out and pulled around in that same circle drive by the same automatic doors. it was 10 am. sam was in his car seat instead, and justin and i were kind of different people than we had been just one week before at that same time and place. we were officially dad and mom now, and though this is a blog, there really aren't words to tell you what that means - but it is good.

sam at 37 weeks

sam at 37 weeks is breech as can be. also, in the words of the ultrasound tech, for as small as what i am, i grew a bigger baby.

sam is anywhere between 6 lbs 9 oz and 7 lbs 7 oz, which is pretty big for three weeks before the due date apparently.

sam has a TON of hair.

unfortunately he did not get his father's head size and instead got his mother's melon head. i nearly had a stroke when the measurement on the screen was 9.87 cm across. dr. mulch jokingly said that maybe he is breech for a reason. no wonder it feels like he is breaking my ribs - he has a wrecking ball on his shoulders.

sam had his arm up over his face for the 4d pictures, but there is still one that is adorable. for those of you who "just can't see it," i photoshopped the "parts" so you could tell what was what.

and so here is the photo of our beautiful, precious, stubborn, large-headed baby boy:

i cried. he is wonderful.

dr. mulch said we need to have made our decision in a week for my 38 week appointment. if sam is still breech, we can either schedule a c-section for 39 weeks or try external version with induction at 39 weeks. (version is where they squish him around and try to make him turn, then induce labor and hope he stays head down.)

obviously there are risks and drawbacks to both. there is enough amniotic fluid for him to turn. the placenta is in the front, which makes version more difficult. if version doesn't go well, it could mean an emergency c-section, which means being under anesthesia and justin not being able to be there for what may well be our only biological child's birth.

with a scheduled c-section, you have the healing, the scar, and the terror (it scares the crap out of me). still, i would be awake and justin would be able to be there. it's just so "extreme" compared to natural birth. also, i couldn't even try to get pregnant for a year - which i'm not betting can even happen between breastfeeding and endometriosis, but that's a touchy subject for a girl with infertility (limiting something that is already so limited).

or he could turn. statistically by this point, chances are that he will not turn, but he technically still could. i've heard stories of babies turning this late or later, but it doesn't seem to be that common.

so we have no idea what we want to do. we go back and forth about it, and i've heard everyone's horror and success stories about all of the options. [please note, i am NOT delivering a breech baby "naturally." that is way too risky for my liking. if you would like to do that yourself, feel free.]

so what i will ask is that you please pray for us, that sam will turn head down, and that if he does not, that we will be able to reach a decision that we have peace about.

we are very excited to meet him - maybe even in just two weeks if he decides to be uncooperative. i can't wait to hold and snuggle my little boy and feel his soft hair and kiss his little cheeks. :)

36 weeks.

last week at my appointment, the doctor squished around on my stomach to see how sam was positioned.

most of you know how hard it was for us to get sam IN there, so it should be no surprise that at 36 weeks his head was way up in my ribs instead of down. of course if he doesn't turn, she said we could manually try to flip him from the outside (version) or do a c-section. (picture me looking tearfully at justin as the doctor finishes examining me...terrified.) i pray that any difficulties getting him in (or out) are the extent of his stubbornness. i can dream.

i have been putting an ice pack on the top of my belly to "encourage" him to flip around. i have been doing inversion techniques - or rather, one technique. starting with my knees on the ottoman (the couch is too tall), i bend at the waist with my head straight down and support myself with my elbows and head from the floor. this is supposed to stretch out any uneven ligaments or whatever it is holding everything in place in there. i hold that for about a minute and a half and then justin helps me stand up (that is a tough pose to get out of with a big belly) and that is supposed to relax everything back into the right place.

i woke up this morning at four needing to pee - this is a regular occurrence. i felt "funny" so i laid on the couch for a second and started squishing around on my stomach. no more head in the ribs. or so i think. and is that a round head way down there? maybe. i can't tell.

i went back to bed and there were kicks and punches (which are which depends on if he actually turned) in places that there hadn't been, and then he got hiccups and they were completely opposite where they normally were.

something is in my ribs that can actually make popping sounds against them depending on how i move. kind of gross and weird, i'll admit. it is firm, but doesn't feel round like his head did, and it's in a different spot. i'm a bit terrified of how large he is if it's his leg, but it might be part of his back...who knows.

so today i am waiting on my blood work to come back to see if something is wrong with my gallbladder. i have all of the symptoms, so it would almost surprise me if there wasn't something wrong. then tomorrow is the ultrasound to check sam's position and find out for sure what that popping thing is in my ribs. i am really excited to see him - we haven't seen him since february. i really thought they would do more ultrasounds than this, so it is going to be really great to see him. :)

nursery

the bookshelf, and my old elephant bank that matched the nursery theme.

one of sam's giraffe toys.

sea turtle and cloth diapers.

another giraffe toy and the quilt i made sam.

the crib.

dresser and wall hanging.

storage cart and bookshelf.

closet doors and trim, crib, wall hanging.

8 months/35 weeks.

wow it has been a while since i blogged. the school year wound down, and i was doing a LOT to prepare for my maternity leave at the beginning of the year next year.

i have been spending most of my time being an uncomfortable pregnant lady. i was sure the doctor was wrong when he measured my belly two appointments (three weeks) ago and said i was measuring small. everything i have read says that the size of the baby and the size of your belly are not necessarily related. at my next appointment (last week), the doctor was another doctor in the rotation, and instead of loosely and gingerly measuring my belly with a tape measure (yes), she squished around on my belly.

and she said sam feels a bit above average, "a pretty good sized baby." not that i want him to be enormous. i'm not a large girl...normally. but he FEELS like he is enormous, and i don't have a whole lot of room for him in my 5'2" body. (watch, he will be 6 pounds and i will look like a whiner. but the doctor said the mom's birth weight - and that of her family - is a big factor in the baby's weight, and i was just shy of 8 pounds and my brother was just shy of 9.)

sam doesn't move around as much now, because he is running out of room. of course. he still gets the hiccups and wiggles and kicks so hard my entire stomach shakes, but it doesn't happen as often as it did in the 22-week to 32-week range. (this is all new to me, and i try to describe it because it is nearly impossible to imagine how it feels unless you have done it and your pregnancy is similar to mine, as i hear they are all very different.)

another thing that is happening to me is horrendous heartburn and numbness/tingling. the heartburn is best tackled with baking soda and water, which is totally disgusting but it works. the numbness is from sam being heavy enough to rest on some important blood vessels and make my hands and arms stop feeling like they are fully functional - and sometimes my legs, too. sometimes it helps to change positions or get up and do some small activity, but other times it just hangs around.

starting next week, my appointments will be weekly and i will get checked for "progress" in the nether regions. they will also check to see if he is in position, which i am unsure of - i feel like he is sideways a lot, but today he feels head down. then at 37 weeks, if he hasn't decided to come yet, i am supposed to be getting an ultrasound to get a very general idea of how big he might be, just in case we want to adjust the birth plan accordingly for the health and safety of both of us.

last night we made our birth plan! and we also started packing our hospital bags, just things that we can do in advance. i can't believe we are so close. yesterday i cleaned and organized so much in the nursery while justin was gone to class that i passed out on the couch as soon as he got home because it was the first time i let myself sit down.

of course, we had my shower, and it was just wonderful. some super awesome friends put it on for me and they did a fabulous job. :) we got a ton of baby things and a ton of gift cards, which we have been slowly spending and are taking a shopping trip tomorrow to get more things that we need with them.

yesterday i put sam's booster seat in the dining room chair. i realize i won't need it for a while, but i needed a place to put it to get it out of his room, so i set it up...and then i cried. it is all so exciting, but still so unbelievable because of our journey to this point. it feels like it can't be real...even when he kicks me in the bladder and i swear i will pee right then and there. (i haven't, but seriously wow bladder kicks will let you know that you are not in ultimate control of your life.)

this blog feels a bit scattered, but that is an accurate portrayal of life right now. seriously, you should see the nursery. so i'm off to go work on that.