our july 13

i began fasting at midnight the morning of july 13, doctor's orders. we went to bed, me large, uncomfortable, and pregnant. we got up that morning, i don't even remember what time, and got ready to leave for the hospital. justin pulled into the circle drive by the automatic doors at the registration desk and let me out and then parked the car. they sent us right to labor and delivery. it was 10 am.

they took us into the triage room, which was full by the end of the morning with myself and two other moms waiting to have babies. i got hooked up to the standard machines, baby's heartbeat and movements, mom's belly (i did have a few small contractions), and an iv of something to replenish my fluids. they did a quick ultrasound to make sure sam was still breech. he was.

everything was going on time and as planned until about 45 minutes before my c section was about to start. a nurse came in and told me that a mom in labor had a baby in distress and that my c section would be bumped back an hour to do their c section and clean up the operating room. i didn't mind being bumped for that reason, but it gave me plenty more time to freak out and get hungrier. i was almost in physical pain from the anxiety - i'd never had a c section, didn't want a c section, and again, i was really, really hungry. around 12:30 or so, the nurse came in and told justin to get into his scrubs.

then it went pretty fast. she came back and told me it was time. we tied up the back of my gown and she held my iv bag. justin followed as we walked to the operating room. he had to sit out on a stool and wait while they did my spinal block.

the spinal block involved me sitting up on the operating table and sort of hunching over, slumping my shoulders, and "relaxing" while a guy in green scrubs stuck a needle into my spine. i write it in this tone so that you can sympathize a bit. i was just a little afraid. or maybe a lot. "ok a little pinch and that's the numbing," he said. then i had a shooting weird feeling down my left leg and i jumped a little. he asked which side i felt it on, then adjusted his needle. then they helped me lay down. it took less than a minute, probably.

they brought justin in and he sat by me and rubbed my hair and held my hand. i was still pretty afraid and he knew it.

"ok feel this cloth, it's cold. tell me when it stops feeling cold." in my head i thought, oh no, they are going to make me tell them when i am numb using only this. eventually it felt not-so-cold. meanwhile, some nurses made a giant barrier over my chest with blue material so i couldn't see the surgery. it wasn't just a short curtain, this thing went probably 2 1/2 feet up from my body.

dr. scheider said, "ok, do you feel this pinch?" i said, "i don't know...kinda." she said, "you're numb. i pinched so hard you'd want to smack me." i laughed. she said, "if you're laughing, you're numb."

the next word i heard, spoken quietly, was, "incision." it seemed like no time passed before someone said, "ok, you're going to feel some pressure, we're going to get this baby out." i looked at justin with wide eyes and squeezed his hand. it didn't hurt, i just felt pressure.

then someone said, "well happy birthday!" i looked at justin wide-eyed again with my mouth gaping. then i heard sam scream, a short little, "ba!" then another and another, until he was crying. and so was i. a nurse said, "time of birth, 1:19."

justin got up to take some pictures as i'd asked him to do as they weighed him and cleaned him off. he brought the camera to me and showed me, but i couldn't see it well enough to see what he looked like. then there he was, in a little hat, held next to me by the nurse. i kissed him and pulled him close to me to snuggle. in that moment i learned immediate love beyond what i knew i could feel for him even as i felt his kicks in the womb. he was healthy and good. i didn't know who he looked like. then they took him to finish up with footprints.

they gave him to justin to carry to the nursery to get his bath and get all of the other things done that they do to babies in hospital nurseries. they were putting me all back together. i had asked about keeping sam in there with me, but they acted like it wasn't ever done that way, so i just let them do their thing. i wanted him to get done in the nursery anyway.

finally someone got a hospital bed for me and they rolled me onto it on some kind of board, from what i could tell. i didn't have to do a whole lot in this process except lay there. they wheeled me down the hall to recovery. justin came back and held my hand and told me they were giving sam a bath. someone gave me medicine through the iv. i asked for sam after a while, but they said they weren't done yet. it was around 2:15.

they rolled me through the halls again, past the nursery and a crowd of my family waiting at the window to see sam. they pointed him out to me. i saw him but felt groggy. then they had justin push the lullaby button, which i was glad of, because i wanted to hear sam's lullaby. they rolled me into the hospital room and gave me a cup of ice chips. they were the best ice chips i'd ever had at that point.

by this time, the spinal had mostly worn off. i could move my legs, and i was quite loopy with whatever was going into and out of my system. my face started to itch. our families had come into the room and seth laughed at his sister looking like an addict withdrawing from something...itch itch itch.

FINALLY, around 3:00, they rolled sam's little cart in. i was so happy. they handed him to me, and everyone took pictures. then everyone left so i could feed him. our boy. i couldn't believe it.



yesterday we went to the doctor to get my staples out and pulled around in that same circle drive by the same automatic doors. it was 10 am. sam was in his car seat instead, and justin and i were kind of different people than we had been just one week before at that same time and place. we were officially dad and mom now, and though this is a blog, there really aren't words to tell you what that means - but it is good.