Thursday, November 12, 2015

How to be a Christian on the Internet

Equate your life choices with God's Word. Do you work, or do you stay home with your kids? Do you drink beer or abstain? Do you read the NLT or the ESV Bible translation? How many kids do you have? How big is your house? Did you breastfeed? Do you vaccinate? Be sure that everyone knows that Jesus agrees with you.

Forward out of context or loosely translated verses around all of the social media sites. It doesn't matter what God's Word really means, as long as it benefits you. I'm so glad God wants us all to be healthy and wealthy, if we only are faithful enough. Aren't you?

Don't get mad, ever. Don't judge, ever. Sorry if you need to choose where to go to lunch. No discernment allowed. But if you do get mad, make sure it's over Starbucks cups. Don't get mad over Starbucks cups. And definitely don't say that you shouldn't get mad about Starbucks cups. Can you not just be more courageous, for heaven's sake?

Don't ever vote for anyone, unless you write in Jesus.

Got a problem with society? Repeatedly say that our country was founded by Christians, regardless of what any documentation says, and that we need to go back to that. Also make sure you let everyone know it's a result of taking an all-powerful God and forcefully removing him from schools, because we can totally do that.

Enjoy every moment. Every. Moment.

Try. Try so hard. Try harder. Make sure the burdens of righteousness are on your own shoulders, where they belong. Read parenting blogs for tips. If they pull you in too many different directions, you probably just need to have more faith.

Focus on grace. Focus so hard. Focus harder. Focus so hard on grace that you don't have to see your sin or ever repent. This is definitely why Jesus died.

If you're a woman, make sure you check the list of female-approved careers. Your pastor should have a copy. Also, be sure you are always *available* for your husband, or you might cause him to commit adultery, and you wouldn't want to have that on your conscience. Never raise your voice, and always be sure you fix your hair. Jesus said so.

Never acknowledge a depraved and deceitful heart. I'm quite sure that's not even in the Bible. Enough thought about a topic can always put the fault of sin (such a yucky word!) on another person or situation.

Don't be a police officer, but if you are one, be sure you check with the social media church leaders before you handle any situation. They have never done your job, but they are so insightful.

If you feel sad or anxious, remember that this is never the result of faulty brain chemistry and should always be treated with worship songs and devotionals. There is nothing in the Bible about Zoloft!

Be sure you share this blog, or Jesus will blot out your name from the Book of Life with his own tears.


This is entirely sarcastic, save one sentence: "Don't get mad over Starbucks cups." I have seen each of these things on the internet with my own eyes, and have usually been appalled, and occasionally have felt guilt or sadness I shouldn't have about the false truths being spread so readily, even by people who should know better. So I wrote this. Maybe I should know better.

Yes, I am too sensitive, but yes, people should stop saying this crap.

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