well, i figure it's about time for an update. my first appointment is this week, and what felt like it was forever away a few weeks ago has come pretty fast.
with sam, i got sick at seven weeks. this one wanted to make his or her presence known at five weeks. i'm pretty sure i'm having a worse time with this one, and not because i have another baby to care for. sam's a pretty easy kid, even when he's sick like he unfortunately is now. i just think it's hitting me harder. justin feels so bad for me, he is giving me daily "it's just for a time, this isn't forever" therapy so that i won't despair and feel like i'll feel like puking forever.
otherwise physically, i feel giant, with the "leftover belly" from sam. i feel like i'm already showing big time. maybe i'm just being harsh with myself, but i notice it. i'm running out of regular work clothes that hide it even a little bit. i think it can still pass as just all leftover belly, at least.
the pulling has started as well, with all of that expansion in there for the little blueberry-sized kid. a blueberry-sized baby can have such an effect on a body! incredible.
i have been napping quite a bit lately, and justin has been great about it. he has covered all of the duties i can't do, or whatever i'm asleep for. the last two weekends have been really low-key, involving naps and just hanging out at home. work has been kind of tough but i am managing. it's very demanding as it is, but pregnancy makes it harder. i'm looking forward to the second trimester.
i find myself not being as worried, whether that is knowing more of what to expect, or not being pumped full of fertility medication, or trusting better, or just being more tired, or a combination of the four, i'm not sure.
we have felt some guilt, and let me explain this. when you have infertility, you develop bonds over infertility. you have friends with infertility. and you all know how much it sucks to hear another pregnancy announcement, how your stomach falls and your heart catches in your throat, and how you want to be happy for the person announcing, but you desperately want your OWN children and so it hurts. and so, we get that. i don't consider myself permanently cured and super fertile. i have been blessed with at least temporary health in that area. we still know what it feels like. we understand if someone can't say congratulations or just live life with us through this time, and that's ok. it really is. we know we haven't done anything to make us better people, and we don't deserve it any more than the next infertile couple - probably less, in a lot of cases.
so if you're reading this wondering why not you - i don't know either, but it probably isn't because God doesn't want you to ever be a mom or dad and it probably isn't because you're not a good enough Christian to bear children. infertility is part of the curse, but your fertility is not determined by merit. if it were, none of us would have kids.
so these are just some things going on with this one, and some thoughts i've had about our "intentional surprise."
Thanks for those last couple paragraphs. I often wonder, "Why not us?" Why does he keep giving babies to people who aren't even trying, who already have kids, and we can't get just one? I know these are ridiculous questions, and I know it isn't based on merit, but I still can't help but wonder.
ReplyDeleteI hope the sickness goes away earlier since it came earlier!