Grandpa Roger

One of my earliest memories is going into my grandparents' house for Christmas breakfast and my grandpa making my eggs to order - which he did before there were so many of us, 30-some years ago. Something in my brain treasured that moment and kept it for me, and I'm so thankful.

We counted yesterday, grandkids and great-grandkids, preparing the obituary. The last count was 31 grandchildren and 53 great-grandchildren. I told Justin, and he said, "That's a legacy."

My grandpa was a storyteller. I laughed until I couldn't laugh anymore at his stories. I was shocked at his stories. With Grandpa, you felt whatever he wanted you to feel in a story, because he was just that good. He had a story about driving on the interstate and baby pigs falling out of the back of a truck. I could never retell it, or even attempt to, but he did many times at our insistence. Once we were watching something on tv about the USS Indianapolis, struck by a Japanese torpedo. He said to me, "Sarah, most of them didn't drown. They were shark-eaten." Yikes. And together, he and Grandma would tell the story of finding the big red house in a terrible state, falling apart, with pigeons in it, and Grandma thought Grandpa was crazy for wanting to buy it, but they made the house a home.

Once, when Justin was making a decision about a job, Grandpa told him, "Life's all about choices. Sometimes you make the right ones, sometimes you make the wrong ones." We quote this and laugh every once in a while.

Grandpa was in the Navy and served in Korea. He was proud of his service and loved all things Navy. To tell you where he worked would be an endless list, because he never could quite retire until he had to, and even then, he never could sit still.

Grandpa was many things to many people. One thing he consistently did was step up. One Father's Day, they played "The Dad He Didn't Have to Be," for him. Half of his kids, biologically, *weren't.* But that never mattered. He was their Pop. He was my grandpa, even though we share no blood. He was not only a grandpa, but a father figure for three generations of kids whenever they needed it.

He was a good grandpa. I got 37 years with him - so many more than most people get with their grandpas - and it wasn't even close to enough. A friend told me, "A good grandparent is one of the Lord's kindest blessings." I couldn't say it better myself.

Norah's Birth Day

When I was about 33 or 34 weeks pregnant, I had an ultrasound that revealed extra amniotic fluid - polyhydramnios, it's called. I was borderline mild, and for a couple of weeks, I remained so, but then it quickly increased well into the moderate range. We had been looking at a birth day of August 19 - today! But after three c-sections, the excess fluid put Norah and I both at risk. August 11 was the final decision.

We got to the hospital early, but our check in was delayed because someone closed a screen they shouldn't have, and it was like we were never in the waiting room. The good news is, lots of people were winning on The Price is Right while we waited.

When we got to Labor and Delivery, the nurses worked so quickly that they made up for all of the lost time waiting - it was impressive! But there was a delay in the start of the c-section before mine, so we had more waiting to do. Then we found out the poor girl's spinal block didn't work, so the delayed c-section was going to take longer. I tried not to think about the reason - I was already nervous enough about my own spinal block. That is a procedure I could never get used to, even after having three.

Finally the operating room was cleaned and ready for me, and we were walking down the hall in our puffy hats, myself in a gown, Justin in some kind of zip outfit that replaced the scrubs they used to give to husbands to wear. He had to stay in the hall while they got me set up for surgery.

I walked into the familiar bright, cold room and sat on the table. They handed me a pillow and the anesthetist felt my spine and stuck a giant sticker on my back. I think it is to mark things, but I have never actually seen one since it goes on your back. The lidocaine goes first so that you don't feel the spinal going in, and then you hold the pillow and someone - a nurse or doctor, tells you to hold still while they put a needle in your spine. It's as nerve racking as it sounds. So that's what we did. Thankfully it went well and only required one try. Then they all helped me lie down on the table.

They stuck some monitors on me and strapped my legs and arms to the table - legs because they'll fall since they're numb, and arms so that your nerves don't make you grab the doctor during surgery or do anything else rash. They checked several times to see where I could and couldn't feel, and put up a small curtain over my belly to separate me from the "work area" that was my abdomen.

After all that, they brought Justin in with me, and we were off. They started surgery and worked a little before they broke my water, and my perfect, head-down baby flipped sideways. That was a first. The doctors had to wrestle her a bit to get her out. I told Justin I thought they were going to smash my lungs. It didn't hurt thanks to the spinal block, but it was uncomfortable.

At 2:00pm, they got her out. They suctioned her nose and mouth quite a bit, and I was worried until I finally heard her cry - which she only did for a minute, and then she just went to sleep on the little baby table. They monitored her and she was perfect and breathing and healthy, even at her early almost-38-week delivery. We were thankful.

They finished the rest of the surgery - just putting me back together again - and then moved me to another bed with a sheet, a wedge thing, and sorcery, I assume. We went to recovery for a while and snuggled Norah while I got back closer to normal after surgery. I was able to move my legs soon, so we got to go to our room to settle in with Norah.

The boys were waiting for us to meet their sister, so Justin went to get them and brought them in. They were so excited and it was such a sweet moment of them being in awe. Then she spit up and they burst into hysterical laughter. Boys. But they loved her at once and are still exclaiming that they can't believe we have a sister in our house.

Our hospital stay went very well. Norah passed her baby tests and met her visitors and hardly made a peep the whole time. I was in more pain this time around - maybe because it was my fourth time, maybe because of the extra fluid - nobody really knew exactly why, just that it would get better with time. I was able to eat without nausea for the first time in four c-sections, which was extremely exciting, even if I only ate hospital sandwiches.

We went home 48 hours later and have been adjusting to four kids while I heal up from my final c-section. It's been a busy week, but we are making it and doing well. Justin is working extra hard since I can't, but I am able to do a little more each day. We are all just smitten with our little girlie, and still can't believe we have a daughter. We are so thankful to God for the blessing that she is to our family.

How to be a Christian on the Internet

Equate your life choices with God's Word. Do you work, or do you stay home with your kids? Do you drink beer or abstain? Do you read the NLT or the ESV Bible translation? How many kids do you have? How big is your house? Did you breastfeed? Do you vaccinate? Be sure that everyone knows that Jesus agrees with you.

Forward out of context or loosely translated verses around all of the social media sites. It doesn't matter what God's Word really means, as long as it benefits you. I'm so glad God wants us all to be healthy and wealthy, if we only are faithful enough. Aren't you?

Don't get mad, ever. Don't judge, ever. Sorry if you need to choose where to go to lunch. No discernment allowed. But if you do get mad, make sure it's over Starbucks cups. Don't get mad over Starbucks cups. And definitely don't say that you shouldn't get mad about Starbucks cups. Can you not just be more courageous, for heaven's sake?

Don't ever vote for anyone, unless you write in Jesus.

Got a problem with society? Repeatedly say that our country was founded by Christians, regardless of what any documentation says, and that we need to go back to that. Also make sure you let everyone know it's a result of taking an all-powerful God and forcefully removing him from schools, because we can totally do that.

Enjoy every moment. Every. Moment.

Try. Try so hard. Try harder. Make sure the burdens of righteousness are on your own shoulders, where they belong. Read parenting blogs for tips. If they pull you in too many different directions, you probably just need to have more faith.

Focus on grace. Focus so hard. Focus harder. Focus so hard on grace that you don't have to see your sin or ever repent. This is definitely why Jesus died.

If you're a woman, make sure you check the list of female-approved careers. Your pastor should have a copy. Also, be sure you are always *available* for your husband, or you might cause him to commit adultery, and you wouldn't want to have that on your conscience. Never raise your voice, and always be sure you fix your hair. Jesus said so.

Never acknowledge a depraved and deceitful heart. I'm quite sure that's not even in the Bible. Enough thought about a topic can always put the fault of sin (such a yucky word!) on another person or situation.

Don't be a police officer, but if you are one, be sure you check with the social media church leaders before you handle any situation. They have never done your job, but they are so insightful.

If you feel sad or anxious, remember that this is never the result of faulty brain chemistry and should always be treated with worship songs and devotionals. There is nothing in the Bible about Zoloft!

Be sure you share this blog, or Jesus will blot out your name from the Book of Life with his own tears.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________


This is entirely sarcastic, save one sentence: "Don't get mad over Starbucks cups." I have seen each of these things on the internet with my own eyes, and have usually been appalled, and occasionally have felt guilt or sadness I shouldn't have about the false truths being spread so readily, even by people who should know better. So I wrote this. Maybe I should know better.

Yes, I am too sensitive, but yes, people should stop saying this crap.

Making Lego Houses New

I built the boys a little Lego house because they can't build more complicated things at their age, but they love playing with them and the "Lego guys," as they call them.

I finished the house just before lunch and I sat it on top of their Lego table, and then I went to the kitchen to get lunch together for everyone.

I don't remember exactly what happened, just that one of the boys was having some kind of meltdown. Justin was trying to talk to him, but his anger still escalated. I heard Legos smash. I could tell from Justin's disappointed reaction that it was the house I had just built.

I thought, "I am not rebuilding that." I think I even said it to Justin. "Well, I'm not fixing it."

By the time we finished lunch, the meltdown was resolved, and things were going fine. The boys laid down for a nap.



I have been thinking a lot lately about redemption stories. Sometimes things go wrong, but then God works in our lives to make it right again, and there is earthly restoration in that. I think we all long for those stories: cancer healed, friendship restored, a marriage saved, a lost person coming to Christ.

Revelation 21:4-5 says, "'He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.' And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.'"

In the final restoration, the former brokenness will be gone. All things will be made new. No crying. No pain. No meltdowns. No smashed Lego houses. And it won't be because we deserve it - we will be able to see this restoration because of the grace that covers our sins, because of Christ taking the punishment that we deserve.



And so I sat down in the floor and searched for and gathered up all of the pieces of the smashed Lego house. I pieced the house back together, tiny brick by tiny brick - an earthly restoration, a little bit made new in our living room.

He exclaimed when he saw it later, "Mommy! You fixed the Lego house!"

"Yes I did, buddy." And they played.

A Felt Ornament and Jesus Storybook Bible Advent

I know it is November and we have yet to cut our Thanksgiving turkeys or flip through Black Friday advertisements, but if you want to make an advent activity for Christmas, now is the time!

Advent is a time to anticipate and ponder the birth of Jesus, and not only the birth of Jesus, but the reason he came to earth - to save us!

I had wanted to do an advent activity for a couple of years before last year and I just never found "the one." Last year, our oldest was three and it was really time to start those traditions on top of what we were already teaching them, so back in September of 2014 I decided I was going to *make* an advent activity.

I decided to use ornaments made of felt (I find felt easy to work with) and I searched for Bible verses and pages/stories in the Jesus Storybook Bible (by Sally Lloyd-Jones - I recommend that every home, with children or not, have at least one copy because it is SO good) that would help the boys understand each part of the story as well as possible.

Because the story of Christmas really begins, well, at the beginning, and hasn't ended yet, I didn't want to do just a manger scene, but something broader.

After a lot of brainstorming, writing ideas, scratching those ideas out, writing new ideas, sketching, and so on, I finally decided on 24 parts to our advent activity.

We have a large Christmas tree that we have already decorated, but I got a small tree for our advent ornaments and decorated it with some clear lights, beaded garland, and a simple tree topper. I made a wall hanging with 24 pockets for the ornaments.

Each day, we get the day's ornament from its pocket, read the story/verses, and hang the ornament on the tree. We also sing a Christmas song and pray.

I don't have patterns for the ornaments; I just cut them out from felt and sewed them either by hand or with my sewing machine. Be sure to add some kind of hanger to each one as you make them so that you can put the hook on and hang it on your tree. I made mine very simple, but you can make yours as simple or as complicated as you like.

Feel free to adapt these as you need or want to. This was my first run, and I edited it a bit putting this together, and I'm sure I will change it some after I see how the boys understand it and react to it this year too. The main thing is to tell your kids about Jesus! I hope in sharing this with you, you are able to share more about Jesus with your children, and that it makes your holiday season even better.

Day 1: Creation
Ornament: Earth
Reading: The Beginning: A Perfect Home, p. 18-27, Jesus Storybook Bible (JSB)

Day 2: The Fall
Ornament: Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil
Reading: The Terrible Lie, p. 28-33, JSB

Day 3: Promise of a Savior, part 1
Ornament: Bethlehem (I gave it a white background to symbolize it being a prophecy)
Reading: The Terrible Lie, p. 34-36, JSB

Day 4: Promise of a Savior, part 2
Ornament: Cross (with a white background for the same reason as the previous one)
Reading: p. 174-175, JSB

Day 5: Mary
Ornament: Mary
Reading: p. 178, JSB

Day 6: The Angel Gabriel
Ornament: Angel Gabriel
Reading: p. 179, JSB

Day 7: Mary's Song
Ornament: Music Notes
Reading: Luke 1:46-55

Day 8: Joseph
Ornament: Joseph
Reading: Matthew 1:18-19

Day 9: Joseph's Dream
Ornament: Angel
Reading: Matthew 1:20-21

Day 10: The Decree
Ornament: Scroll with Writing
Reading: Luke 2:1-3

Day 11: Bethlehem
Ornament: Bethlehem
Reading: Luke 2:4-5

Day 12: No Room
Ornament: Crowded house
Reading: p. 180-181, JSB

Day 13: Manger
Ornament: Manger with hay
Reading: Luke 2:7

Day 14: Baby Jesus
Ornament: Swaddled baby Jesus
Reading: He's here!, p. 176, and p. 182, JSB

Day 15: Flocks of Sheep
Ornament: Sheep in grass
Reading: p. 186, JSB

Day 16: Shepherds
Ornament: Shepherds with staffs
Reading: p. 188-190, JSB

Day 17: Heavenly Host
Ornament: Several angels
Reading: Luke 2:8-14

Day 18: Star
Ornament: Star
Reading: The Light of the whole world, p. 184, JSB

Day 19: Three Wise Men
Ornament: Three Wise Men
Reading: The King of all kings, p. 192-198, JSB

Day 20: Jesus Teaching
Ornament: Jesus with arms outstretched
Reading: The Singer, p. 228-235, JSB (or any passage about Jesus teaching)

Day 21: Jesus Performing Miracles
Ornament: Jesus walking on water
Reading: The Captain of the storm, p. 236-242, JSB (or any passage about Jesus performing miracles)

Day 22: The Crucifixion
Ornament: Cross
Reading: The sun stops shining, p. 302-308, JSB

Day 23: The Resurrection
Ornament: Tomb with stone rolled away
Reading: God's wonderful surprise, p. 310-317, JSB

Day 24: Redemption and Restoration
Ornament: Broken heart mended
Reading: p. 348 (2nd paragraph on) - 351, JSB

Lay Aside Every Weight

It's been a pretty typical week with the ups and downs of parenting. I've witnessed a few 30-minute fits and meltdowns, a few things got thrown, one kid pushed another kid a dozen times, I got many hugs around the neck, enjoyed time playing with the boys, and even listened to them put on their own (very loud) church service.

And then comes the internet, with its bloggers who say to *enjoy every minute,* *pay 100% of your attention to them,* and *be sure you're enjoying that minute because it's the LAST TIME IT WILL EVER HAPPEN AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT YET.*

Are you stressed out yet? Worrying that you should have held your child until he went to sleep instead of taking a shower? Should you have watched the middle one jump off of the couch for the 10th time in a row cheering instead of texting your husband to tell him to pick up diapers on the way home? Did you dare to clean or check Facebook or even just sit down while the children were awake?

And so we can - and I do - become tangled up in the grip of all of these internet expectations, everyone practically screaming about how their number one priority should be yours, and suddenly you have too many priorities to even be able to breathe. Or is it just me? Somehow, I doubt it.

But the author of Hebrews says,

"Let us lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us." (12:1)

The race is our Christian life, set before us by God. The entire Bible tells us about the race and how we should run it. We must do the will of God, strengthened by Him, and do it until our time is up and we die.

All of the mommy wars priorities that are so easily pushed in our faces - THESE are weights that we need to lay aside. By all means, love your babies. Give them the attention and love they need. But don't let some person you don't even know yell at you about how often you can and cannot look at your phone between the hours of 6am and 9pm, or how much you NEED to enjoy your kids to the point where you're wondering if it is actually ok to have idols (no, it's still not ok).

The weight here in Hebrews doesn't necessarily mean sin, but rather, any burden that will hinder us. As one commentary says, "even harmless and otherwise useful things" that can slow us down from running the race are included in this "weight."

Weight here is the Greek word "onkon." (Does that matter? I have no idea - I only know this because of the internet.) Onkon means a burden, weight, or encumbrance. It's something heavy that is going to slow you down.

Friends, it is wonderful to enjoy our babies, and to appreciate the time we have with them until they grow up and move away. Time flies, and that will all happen before we know it. The Bible itself tells us in many places that life is fleeting, and it also says that children are gifts.

The problem comes, I think, when we begin to see a certain level of attentiveness, enjoyment, and relishing everything we can as some sort of duty. We can begin to strive for these things, and they can become our onkon. (That word sounds either super theological or super weird, I'm not sure which.)

Galatians 5:1 says, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free; stand firm now, and do not let yourself be burdened again by the yoke of slavery."

Jesus didn't die for us to be slaves to mommy blogger opinions. He did not rise up from the grave, living and triumphant, for us to feel like motherhood is a checklist. He did not endure the cross and overcome death for us to be burdened by the yoke of the mommy wars. No, it is for freedom that Christ has set us free!

So love your babies, but love Jesus more. He will give you the strength to run the race set before you, and the ability to lay those burdens down. Loving God, seeking after God - these are the things that are going to make the rest of motherhood - and life - fall into place. You don't have to strive on your own. You don't have to present your motherhood checklist at the pearly gates.

So let's rest in that, as much as our human hearts can, and run the race without those extra weights - because seriously, diaper bags are heavy enough.

Grace, Consequences, and a Man After God's Own Heart

In 1 Samuel 13:14, Samuel warns King Saul, "But now your kingdom shall not endure. The Lord has sought out for Himself a man after His own heart..."

Here, he meant David, who is also the subject of Acts 13:22, when God says, "I have found in David the son of Jesse a man after my heart, who will do all my will."

1 Kings 11:4 says that David's heart was "wholly true to the Lord."

There is no question that David was a man of God. Scripture tells us this.

But David, like all other men (and women) of God, wasn't perfect. Now king of Israel, David sees a beautiful woman, Bathsheba. He asks about her and finds out that she is married. Not only is she married, but her husband Uriah is one of David's best warriors. This doesn't deter David. He sends for her, she comes to his house, they have sex, and she gets pregnant.

David tries to cover up his sin. He brings Uriah home from battle and tries to convince him to "go down to his house" and spend some time with Bathsheba so that Uriah will think the child is his own. Uriah refuses to go, and David sends him back into battle. David then orders that Uriah be sent to the front of the battle and that those around him will draw back, leaving Uriah to die.

And so it was. Bathsheba mourned her husband, and David took her as his own wife.

"But the thing that David had done displeased the Lord."

God sends Nathan the prophet to come and rebuke David.

"Why have you despised the word of the Lord, to do what is evil in his sight? You have struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and have taken his wife to be your wife."

David probably thought he got away with it until this point. His sin would go undetected, he would probably eventually repent, and life would go on.

Nathan tells David that there are going to be public consequences for his sin, that God will later bring calamity on him from within his own family:
"For you did it secretly, but I will do this thing before all Israel and before the sun."

David admits, "I have sinned against the Lord."

Nathan says, "The Lord also has put away your sin; you shall not die." Grace! Forgiveness! David's sin is put away.

But Nathan continues, "Nevertheless, because by this deed you have utterly scorned the Lord, the child who is born to you will die."

And so it was.

Later, long after David had died, God says to David's son Solomon (who was king after David and eventually turned away from the Lord), "Since you have not kept my covenant and my statutes, I will tear the kingdom from you. Yet for the sake of David your father I will not do it in your days. I will not tear away all of the kingdom, but I will give one tribe to your son, for the sake of David my servant."

God demonstrates his lasting love and forgiveness of David here. He demonstrates his grace. This grace is neither contradicted by nor canceled out by the negative consequences of David's sin. God does not withhold discipline in favor of grace, and God does not withhold grace in favor of discipline.

fearfully and wonderfully wild

Justin works evening shift, so five nights a week, I do post-nap, supper, bedtime routine alone with three boys three and under. It seems like the closer we get to bed time, the crazier the boys become. They'll run giggling and screaming all around the house, jumping on the bed, falling off of the couch on purpose, wrestling each other - it's wild.

I love it - I love that they have such energy, and that they love each other and play together. But some nights, I get exhausted before I get them in bed, and when I'm running on empty, sometimes I run out of grace.

Our middle boy, if you don't know already, is THE wild and crazy one. He invented the bedtime games. He could climb before he could walk. He is daring, bold, brave, and an assortment of other adjectives along those lines. He is afraid of very little (birds and squirrels, he tells me, because they will bite him).

He is sometimes like a bull in a china shop. He crashes over and into people and things. He has all that energy and has the coordination of a two year old, as well as the guts (insanity?) to do it on purpose sometimes. He's not malicious. He's actually a softie and my snuggliest kid. But he gets a thrill out of being wild. He also does what a two-year-old wildboy does, and that is just run, and not really think about what will happen.

Tonight, I got onto him for climbing/rolling/barging through a stack of coloring pages and hitting the computer with a toy sword. Both were unintentional side effects of some crazy game he was playing. I didn't think too much of it, because the bedtime routine is a busy one and I was distracted after that.

Tonight after the boys were all in bed, I came to sit down and I saw the coloring pages and the toy sword sitting on our ottoman. The coloring pages aren't important. The computer has withstood much more abuse than a whack with a toy sword.

I do believe in discipline, and in training up your children to know right from wrong, and to know appropriate from inappropriate, and so on. But did I get onto him for doing something wrong or inappropriate? I didn't yell, but I spoke roughly. It didn't really have much of an effect on him, as he was in the middle of being a human steamroller - but if I do it over and over again, getting onto him for things he doesn't intend to do, as a two year old little boy, then what?

Shame on me if I let my exhaustion stamp out his energy and daring. God made him this way. Yes, he is a sinner, just like everyone else, but a little boy being wild and crazy is not a sin. God made him bold and brave and crazy. God made him rough and silly. He is fearfully and wonderfully made.

And for one day when he might read this - I love you, Levi James. I'll try to keep the wild in you, where God put it.

holding the baby

the baby cried from his bed,
so i scooped him up and carried him to the couch,
where i snuggled him back to sleep.

his head rested in the crook of my arm
and a blanket was tucked around his chin.
i felt his weight, his breathing, his stillness in sleep.

i kissed his forehead and put my cheek against his hair,
the hair that had grown and swirled around in front
to match his brothers.

i rubbed his head, part for me and part for him,
feeling the softness of his still baby hair and still baby skin,
as much with my heart as with my hand.

i watched him fall deeper to sleep,
remembering his dark hair the first time i held him,
now lighter, just like the others.

i took in his dark eyelashes,
how they brushed against his cheeks,
and how his little lips parted in his slumber.

he was warm against my chest and belly,
the place where he grew just a year ago
now a soft place for him to rest.

he was settled into sleep then,
but i still held him, part for me and part for him,
feeling his weight, his breathing, his stillness in sleep.

soy-free snacks...for the kingdom

tonight, i was in the kitchen making "levi snacks." levi snacks are soy-free and dairy-free because of a newly-pinpointed intolerance, and as most things have either or both (seriously, soy is in EVERYTHING), i learned to make crackers, cereal bars, etc. i've researched and i've become the mom in the store who reads every label. i'm going to try to make a cheese substitute out of cashews. i'm *that* mom. tonight i made an easy but kind of messy one - peanut butter (natural, regular has soy...), honey, and quick oats, stirred together and rolled up into little balls. he loves them.

as i stirred the mixture, i heard sam and levi giggling down the hall like they were getting into trouble (the more enthusiastic the giggling, the more suspicious i become). the baby slept, the news was on, and justin was at work.

i started the easy but tedious process of rolling the mixture into little balls when something i heard on tv reminded me of someone i know. this person is giving, a servant, kind, generous, and clearly loves Jesus. (i won't say who, but you'd agree.) i just pondered this for a minute, and then thought happily of this person's future heavenly reward.

if satan could read minds, he (or more likely one of his minions) would have played the card of comparison. fortunately, he can't, but unfortunately, 30 years in this world has been plenty to get my brain to do this on its own, without me even knowing it was coming.

just a tiny flicker of, "you should be doing so much more!" came into my head. and before i could even begin to process the comparison further, i felt a calm reassurance.

peanut butter, honey, and oats stuck to my fingers, these words came: "this is for your reward. this is for your crown." this - the peanut butter, honey, and oats. this, the cleaning up that mess you know the boys are making right now. this, the label reading. this, the taking care of your kids. this, the day-to-day work that it seems like nobody sees or notices because it's just you and three kids under three years old.

my Heavenly Father did not let me think that my daily doings are insignificant. He reminded me that this, the peanut butter, honey, and oats, is kingdom work.

there are many kinds of kingdom work, and friends, it does not go unnoticed.

my grandpa bob

when i was growing up, my grandpa would sit at the dining room table in their white two-story farm house, eating such delicacies as pickle loaf, oysters, powdered donuts, and chocolate chip cookies. he would wash it all down with instant coffee in a white mug. he would offer me a bite of oysters occasionally, laughing at my disgusted response.

he also enjoyed sitting at hardee's drinking coffee, and eating at hungry's. sometimes we would all go with him and grandma to hungry's to eat. he kept werther's candies on top of the fridge, grandpa candy at its finest.

he had a great interest in astronomy, and together we would look at his astronomy books and marvel about things that couldn't be seen without equipment, made by a God who apparently enjoyed these mostly hidden beauties of star and dust and gas.

he was a korean war veteran. he was drafted by the army and he worked as a tank mechanic. he worked on motors of all sorts until not too very long ago.

he loved his hummingbirds. he had so many feeders out on the clothesline poles, and he and my mom would have a joking competition each year - who had the first hummingbird, who had the most hummingbirds, and who had the last hummingbird.

he loved guns and hated starlings. he would sit outside and shoot starlings as they landed in his yard. (they're awful birds.)

he taught me his love of photography with stories of korea and the voigtlander vitessa camera he bought in the early 1950's. he let me use the camera, a teenager with an antique. he taught me about camera light leaks and bubbles in lens glass.

he told me stories of his puppy that pushed him around in a wagon when he was a little boy, about when the power lines came across the countryside, and about when he had to climb on top of his tractor in the middle of a field to evade a rabid dog!

he was the slowest big red three wheeler driver i have ever seen. he enjoyed putting around on it, around his little woods and down to our house.

he always wore a button-up shirt with a pocket. in the pocket was tobacco and a pipe, always. he would sometimes let us smell his tobacco. it had a sweet and pungent smell. he and grandma gave me my first car, a white chrysler new yorker that was two years older than i was. the paperwork in the glove box was stored in an old, slim tobacco tin.

he let me shoot his muzzle loader, and complimented my aim. from an older, experienced shooter, that was something.

he hunted deer and so did we. he came to see the first deer i shot, nudged the antlers in the leaves with the toe of his boot, and though i can't remember what he said, i remember his pleased expression.

i can't really sum up 30 years of memories in just a few days of thinking and writing, but i can say that grandpa was a good man. he loved to talk and tell stories. he had a great sense of humor and a big grin. i can hear his laugh just thinking about it.

we really lost grandpa a while before he died. he began to forget, his body and mind to fail him. i miss the grandpa that he was even more so now that he is gone from this world.

but now he is whole and new and able in heaven, and for that i am so thankful.

for justin

we met in 2006.

i remember our first valentine's day, in 2007. you were training, and i didn't even expect to get to talk to you. you sent a text telling me happy valentine's day from somewhere in the middle of nowhere in california. by then, i knew you'd be the one i married.

you went to iraq. i said i'd write you every day. i did. you were surprised. i sent you packages - lots of cookies and other goodies. i got very good at filling out customs forms and packing up flat rate boxes.

you became a christian in iraq, and (finally) you knew i'd be the one you married.

and so that december, we got married in hawaii where you were stationed.

because i was on a scholarship and wanted to finish college (for the second time) as soon as possible, i came back home while you stayed there. our first five months of marriage were spent apart.

you came home on may 25, 2008. i remember the date without looking because i counted down to it so many times. i missed you terribly, and i couldn't wait to actually get to live life with you.

we lived in an apartment and paid our bills with part time jobs and the GI bill. we had date nights in because we couldn't always afford to go out. i remember eating deer chili by candlelight, lots of scrabble games, and reading the chronicles of narnia together on the couch.

we had a hard first year of adjustments and lessons. it wasn't like a lot of couples' first years of marriage, but we learned a lot and grew a lot by the grace of God.

the next year, i graduated, and i got a teaching job, and we decided to start a family.

a few months later, we bought a three-bedroom house. we moved in on our second anniversary and barely had time to put up a christmas tree, but we still did.

two months after that, we found out i had stage IV endometriosis, which meant we might never have a family. several months after that, we saw a specialist who told us that we wouldn't have a baby if we did it your way. we did it anyway. you gave me injections of lupron and then progesterone so that i wouldn't have to give them to myself.

nine months after that, i watched you become a daddy. i was terrified of getting a c-section but you were there holding my hand the whole time. those days in the hospital are some of my fondest memories, all three of us cuddled in the hospital bed watching tv and just being a family.

fourteen months after that, i watched you become a daddy again. you held my hand and prayed so much, and we had to choose a c-section again after 29 hours of contractions and pitocin.

soon after that, you graduated college, and then got a job as a police officer. we found out in the same day that you got your job and that i had miscarried our third baby. what a day that was - happy, but so, so sad. i still miss our number three, but i know it was part of God's plan for us.

i had to take leave from my job because you would be leaving for twelve weeks, home only on weekends. it was a long, lonely, and busy twelve weeks without you. we all missed you, but what you were doing let me be home with the boys instead of leaving them every day, and i was, and am, so thankful for that. i found out i was pregnant again the second week you were gone.

you read to and played with and cuddled with the boys as much as you could when you were home. you were, and are, a good daddy.

you graduated and came home, and i was so glad. like those five months we spent apart at the beginning, i was ready to start living life with you again, and i was ready for the boys to get to spend more time with you too.

the fall was a whirlwind. i was pregnant, the boys were, and are, crazy people, and you had lots of overtime, but we made it. suddenly it was december and i watched you become a daddy for the third time. the nurses stamped his footprint on your hand and you were so proud of it. i was medicated but i remember you trying to get a good photo of it. you might be a good daddy, but you are a terrible photographer. thankfully it showed up in this picture.

you aren't a fan of the family photo process because it is so crazy, but you always help me get the boys ready and hold everyone still. we even manage not to fight anymore when we do pictures, by the grace of God. and we are always glad to have the pictures when we are done, even though it can be tiring.

in 2006 i didn't know what my story would be, i just knew i wanted it to be with you.

God willing, there will be much more to this story of ours.

i love you.

happy valentine's day.

the steadfast love of the Lord

i just want to share this with you all.

psalm 33:5 says, "the earth is full of the steadfast love of the Lord."

Spurgeon writes this in the Treasury of David about the above phrase:
Come hither, astronomers, geologists, naturalists, botanists, chemists, miners, yea, all of you who study the works of God, for all your truthful stories confirm this declaration. From the midge in the sunbeam to leviathan in the ocean all creatures own the bounty of the Creator. Even the pathless desert blazes with some undiscovered mercy, and the caverns of ocean conceal the treasures of love. Earth might have been as full of terror as of grace, but instead thereof it teems and overflows with kindness. He who cannot see it, and yet lives in it as the fish lives in the water, deserves to die. If earth be full of mercy, what must heaven be where goodness concentrates its beams?

<3

a better day, a real hope

sunday, i delivered our third son via c-section. that sounds like i performed the operation on myself. though quite good at multitasking, i did not do that. i'm not sure how to phrase it other than that, though, so there you have it.

we came home on christmas eve, tuesday, in the afternoon, with our two-day-old baby. our older sons are almost 2 1/2 and 15 months old. if this gives you anxiety, you're a normal person.

there was lots of unpacking to do, laundry, general day-to-day things, feeding now three kids (the older two have meals that rival three-ring circuses some days, but the baby is quite easy, thankfully), baths, teeth-brushing, diaper changing (oh yes, all three - the oldest says he is *never* going to go on the potty, and i'm starting to believe him), laundry, taking out trash, laundry, and so on.

unfortunately the bulk (pretty much all) of this is on my husband's shoulders right now. a c-section is a major surgery that just happens to result in a baby. it can be rough. my recovery so far has been painful but steady, though i'm not far into it. i take the medicine they prescribe for pain because it helps a great deal and is a gift from God for moms who have to deliver like i do. i'm mostly ok with it, but for periods of time, it also makes me sleepy, dizzy, and generally out of it (sometimes in a funny way and sometimes it's like i have the IQ of a jello mold). at certain times after a dose, i get about 30 minutes where the medicine and my body can handle light housework. i'm still pretty efficient, so i can help quite a bit in those times, especially doing a few a day. still, five days out from the surgery, justin has it rough right now, and is pretty much handling everything a family of five needs completely by himself.

and let me tell you, this week has been hard. each day has ended, and i've said or thought (or both) how tough it was. just tough. hurting and knowing i can't help more, knowing that justin is doing so much work, both of us wondering how. on. earth. we are going to learn to be parents of three little (really little) boys, and laundry. always the laundry.

today i had my post-baby appointment and the doctor said i was healing well (and advised me not to lift toddlers...which i may have done yesterday and may have not been the best choice). i took medicine regularly today, but only napped a little, which is a big step forward. i was able to help more, and we caught up a lot of housework and justin put away a few christmas decorations and organized some things. (tell him the dining room looks nice - it does, even though you don't know that without me telling you.) things were looking up! we would maybe even get to sit together during the kids' nap and watch tv or dual facebook on our respective tablets or something exciting like that.

and then levi decided to pull my coffee off of the end table and drink it. except he is one, and he just sat in the puddle he made, holding my coffee cup, saying, "nummy! nummy!" justin scrubbed the love seat, carpet, end table, and levi for 30 minutes. and darn it, it was really good coffee, too. and there went the day, the chance at tv time, sitting down together.

while justin cleaned, i cleared out the dishwasher and reloaded it. as i rinsed out the coffee cup that levi had just spilled, a song came into my head.

my hope is built on nothing less
than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
i dare not trust the sweetest frame,
but wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

our tough week, though still tough, came into perspective. if i have three boys two and under, and my hope lies in easy days and catching up on laundry, i. am. in. trouble. big trouble.

but, if my hope is in Jesus, i can do these tough first days of triple motherhood. i can be a hurting, post-c-section wife relying on her husband for so much help. i can have laundry until the day i die - which is good, because i will.

and so, we continued with our day. we had dinner at the table as a family and talked and laughed and put the boys to bed and commented to each other that it had been a good day. after several agreed-upon tough days, a good day.

because our hope doesn't lie in having good days, we can have good days. because our hope is in Jesus, we can have good days.

may your hope lie in Jesus and not the sinking sand of a clean kitchen or coordinated naptimes, moms and dads.

josiah's birth day

Justin had to work Saturday, the day before my c-section. Well, he worked Friday night, starting at 11pm, until 7am, and then again at 11:45am Saturday, until about 5:15pm. This kind of thing happens whenever there's a ball game or other event that he has to work. I found out around 2pm Saturday that we would be going in for the c-section the next morning, so it was a whirlwind. Thankfully we prepared as much as we could early, though we were left behind on laundry. Lots of laundry.

Sunday morning, we traded cars with my parents because they were keeping the boys during our hospital stay, and then headed off to the hospital. We got checked in, and I got paperwork filled out and blood drawn and an iv hooked up and monitors stuck onto my belly, the usual for that kind of thing.

It was time to go back, alone so they could do the spinal block. Relax, they tell you, and then you know they're sticking something into your spine, so it's hard to really relax, but anyway. The first person tried three times, maybe four, and couldn't get it in right. The way you know that is when you feel crazy pains or pressure shooting down one leg or the other. It's freaky and unnerving, and, after several times, a little scary. Meanwhile, you're supposed to be relaxing. "If it doesn't take," you replay them telling you, "we'll do general anesthesia." So this is when I started worrying about that.

Finally the actual anesthesiologist stepped up, said confidently that he would get it, and he did. Boom. Done.

Spinal blocks make your blood pressure drop, so my blood pressure took a dive, then my heart rate went down, then they gave me two different medicines to raise my heart rate (all of this happened without me even knowing, probably just a surgery/keep me alive and conscious thing). I said I was going to puke and they shot zofran into my iv. It worked, thankfully. I felt dizzy from the bp drop and finally they brought Justin in.

I mouthed the words, "pray for me," because I was scared and I wasn't sure if I was going to pass out. Then I started to feel better, and then my heart felt like thunder. I commented on this and they filled me in on my blood pressure and heart rate issues and the medicine they gave me. Oh. OK. That did explain it. I hadn't had those issues with my other two c-sections, so I wasn't anticipating that, but I was alright.

Then they began the surgery. It's gross and weird because you can't feel it but you *can* feel it. You feel movement that you know is cutting and pulling. It's true. After a while I felt the familiar pushing of everyone's hands and elbows - it just feels like a lot of pressure on the top of your stomach. I told Justin, "get ready, he's coming. They're getting him out right now." I think I got overwhelmed and worried again, because the next thing I really remember is Justin making me focus, saying, "listen for the cry, listen, he's going to cry."

And he did. And I smiled and cried. A new life! A baby boy! And then he peed all over me and everyone on that side of the blue curtain. True story.

They wiped him off and weighed him and wrapped him up and to my delight let us keep him with us, which I had begged for with the first two but their policy didn't allow at the time. Justin held him while I got put back together again. They transferred me to a big, comfy, rolling bed and took us all to recovery, where they monitored me for various things and asked me every so often if I could move my legs yet.

I have a sinus arrhythmia they found when i was in surgery. What's that? I have no idea because I was on morphine when they told me about it. I'll probably go Google it. Because of it, they pumped potassium into my iv and it burned so bad i was sobbing. They stopped. They set it up to run with my regular fluids and it didn't hurt anymore.

During the time in recovery I held Josiah. I was too weak to really hold him well and Justin had to help me a lot but it was so nice to have him with us. They seemed worried about me while I was there so that's kind of an anxiety-inducing thing, but I was OK. I think physically it was the hardest time I had had in a c-section and I'm thankful it was the last instead of the first.

Then we went back to our room. It was a temporary room because they were so full of moms and babies that weekend (they cited a full moon and the weather for this) that we had to wait a few hours on a regular room. It wasn't bad at all; we still had a private room and it was still nice. When we went to our regular room, Justin got to press the button to play our lullaby. It plays through the whole hospital and each baby gets one played for him or her.

We stayed two nights in the hospital and left on Christmas Eve. I was very glad to go home, though it's been a very busy two weeks! I am recovering well but still recovering so I have certain things I still can't do. I've been lifting toddlers the whole time except for the first few days, out of necessity, but I don't carry them far or take the laundry up and down stairs, things like that.

Josiah is doing great. He has already had a little cold and a clogged tear duct and both are better! He is a good eater and sleeps a lot. Today I've noticed more times when he is awake. He is extremely content and great to snuggle with. We just adore him. Sam and Levi both pat his soft hair and say awwwww. Sam calls him oh-si-duh and Levi calls him si si (long i sound on those si parts).

So that's the story of Josiah's birth. :)

the Lord God is my strength

today seemed like a hard day. well, it was a hard day. i'm 35 weeks pregnant, and i have a 14 month old and a 28 month old, so some might think all days are hard days. in some ways, they are. just because things are blessings does not mean that they are also easy.

i've been a lot more achy this pregnancy, and i don't know if i've ever had as much insomnia with it. i'm on a schedule. i can't go to sleep until late, i wake for an hour and a half to two hours each night for no reason, and then levi is up by 6:30, so i don't get much rest.

breakfast didn't go incredibly smoothly. some days it does. today it did not. eventually i found things both boys would eat and they ate. sometimes pregnant with 2 under 2 means you don't give your kids organic, home made, free-range, grass-fed, spinach pop tarts for breakfast - instead, they just eat regular strawberry pop tarts you buy at the store. (it can't possibly stunt their growth any more than genetics already will.)

the boys were up earlier than they should have been, so they needed naps by 10:30 and 11. there were various cues, including eye rubbing and shrieking. (i wasn't the one shrieking.) unfortunately, there was only a 30-minute nap overlap, and when you have to eat and clean up lunch mess from two little boys (SO many crumbs, and what is that goo?), that leaves no time to rest. granted, they sometimes give me beautiful two-hour overlaps where i can nap, rest, make a grocery list, clean, cook, and even do a craft (pick two, not all). not today.

levi was very tired from his one-hour nap and grumpy from his final first-year molar coming in. he required approximately 40 minutes total of baby wrestling (he was very angry and crying for most of this) interspersed with more attempts at getting him to nap. these were unsuccessful. he eventually calmed down and played with the ipad. i'll take it.

then sam got up after a lovely two-hour nap (jealous). then there were still, *still* somehow more than two hours until justin got up. he is a day sleeper and a night worker. thankfully he can sleep through shrieking.

about an hour of this time was spent deciding on and eating snacks. they are young, indecisive, and they eat slowly, and they sometimes eat a lot (which they did). i used the time they were confined to high chairs to clean and get laundry going.

by the time justin got up, there was still much to do, including feeding ourselves, folding laundry, general everyday stuff, etc.

both boys had dirty diapers at the same time (sam refuses, absolutely refuses, to potty train), and thankfully justin changed them.

by that time i was really tired, feeling hormonal and emotionally raw, and just overwhelmed (the night was nowhere near over). i had tears in my eyes, my head in my hands, and my belly on my lap (it's big). i had the urge to get on my knees and pray, but i wasn't sure i could get up from there without a crane.

leave it to levi to sit on his coloring book and then NEED it, desperately, and try to pull it out from under himself on the floor. so as you can imagine, i ended up in the floor anyway, helped him with the book, and laid my head in the seat of the rocking chair.

i cried and prayed. it wasn't so much a prayer of words but an outpouring of emotion - my exhaustion, my desire to be a good and patient mom, the training of and demands of the boys, an argument (or two) justin and i had, and this long, giant, achy pregnancy.

before i could finish, there was poop somewhere it shouldn't have been and i needed to deal with that, but you get the point.

and i know, God got the point too. of course. i realized that i wasn't worried about the wording of my prayer, about using the right words, the right structure, the right vocabulary. there are some moments of some days where you just can't.

i can't imagine having one of my babies come to me, hurting from a tough day, and sending them away to dry their tears and come up with a more poetic way of expressing what was wrong. no, no, a flawed, sinful mama like myself would still take that little head on her shoulder and hold and comfort that upset baby, even if he was blubbering incoherently.

God heard His child, me, and comforted, strengthened me to finish the day.

and my day, it didn't really get better. it was tough to the end, and i still can't sleep. God never promises to bring me an easy evening after a hard day. sometimes He does anyway, but we get the graces that we need, and we also get the refinement that we need. even the refinements themselves are graces, though they don't usually feel like it.

i know God gave me this day to help me remember not to parent or generally live life in my own strength. i tend to try. a lot. and fail. today was a reminder that God is where our strength comes from - thankfully, too, because if all i have is a waddling, tired, third-trimester-pregnant mother of two toddlers to rely on, i don't have much to rely on at all. (unless i wanted crazy. i have a whole lot of crazy on days like today.)

"the Lord God is my strength" - habbakuk 3:19

"cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." - 1 peter 5:7

catching up

my last post was april 14 of this year. i have missed blogging dearly but haven't felt i had much to talk about, or rather that i had much to talk about but it was mostly diapering and dishes and daily normal stuff that probably no one wants to read a blog about. or maybe they do. anyway.

on april 6, justin left for the police academy. less than one month out from resigning my position at work and taking leave to keep the house together and children alive while he worked at his new job, i was basically alone. we had weekends, and phone calls, but i changed all the diapers and fed the kids and took the trash to the curb. and so on.

on april 17, i took a pregnancy test and saw the faintest of lines. i didn't have any more tests, so i asked justin to pick up a few (i'm kind of an addict so i asked for three) on his way home (a three+ hour drive) from the academy that friday. he wasn't home for five minutes before we had our answer. we were having another baby! (the other two tests were also positive, in case you wondered...)

because of my miscarriage two months before, i was able to get a six-week ultrasound to check on baby, and all was well.

and there i was, nauseated, tired, by myself, taking care of sam, who would be two in july, and levi, who would be one in september. this is in part because we are crazy, and really because God smiled on our crazy childbearing wishes and gave us another. (the back story is, i have endometriosis and it took 18 months to conceive sam, through limited-fertilization ivf, and we thought he would be our only child. pregnancy apparently shrinks my endometriosis, making it easier for me to get pregnant soon after a pregnancy.)

levi stopped sleeping at night for about two months around this time, so i didn't even feel human until the academy was winding down in june. it was harder than i can even begin to describe and i am glad it is a distant memory. [he stopped bottle feeding in favor of eating table food around the time he started sleeping better, and we still don't give him dairy. i will never wait that long to try an alternative again - it just seemed like he didn't fit the bill for an allergy, but now i really think it's an intolerance. we have puke and sleepless nights as evidence for this (after yogurt and ice cream) and that's enough for me!]

justin got home at the end of june and started his regular police work. sam turned two in july, and we learned that our baby was another boy! i turned 29 in august. levi turned one in september. it's really been quite a blur. justin's job mandates overtime for every home football and mens basketball game, so it gets hectic, especially when he couldn't take a day off until november to "make up" for any extra time worked. but we made it here, and he took a day off just this week. it was fabulous.

i'm due december 29 but as i have had two c-sections (the second after an attempted vbac), we will be doing another c-section, so we are scheduling it either december 22 or 26, depending on when we can get in with both the doctor and anesthesiologist.

we put our christmas tree up today (it's still sans ornaments, because as i said, we have a one and two year old and it's busy). we want to be sure to enjoy the season even though we have a lot to prepare for with the baby, josiah, coming in just over a month, so we got an early start (though, thanksgiving is LATE this year compared to the usual, i will point out).

our life has changed a lot since i last posted. we are busy and sometimes slightly (or mostly) insane, but we are right where we are supposed to be. we have so many blessings, so much to be thankful for. and in mid-november, that's a good place to end a blog.

how to download and install new fonts

finding fonts online is one of my favorite things. that might be pretty nerdy, but it keeps things much more original and personal when you need to make something with words on your computer.

i am currently working on a couple of graphic bible verses to hang in our house, and i downloaded all of the fonts i'm using in them for free from websites like fontspace.com and dafont.com. there are lots more. do a search to find exactly what you need.

when you find a font you like, how do you get it onto your computer and into a place where your computer recognizes it as a font? it isn't enough just to download the font from the page. hopefully, these steps will help you download and install your favorite fonts and keep you far, far away from some of those more cliche fonts.

follow these step by step and it should work for you. i do this often enough that it goes pretty quickly, and i'm not any kind of computer pro.

1. getting the font on your computer:
first, find a font that you like. i chose "my turtle" by billy argel. find the download button and click it. (and make sure you are clicking the actual download button for the font and not one in a strategic and tricky advertisement.)


choose the save option in the dialog box and click ok.


it will ask you where to save it. you choose. i usually start with mine on the desktop so they are easy to find.

minimize or close your web browser. you don't need the internet for the rest of this.

2. making the font usable:
find the folder of the font you just downloaded. it will have a zipper on it, because most font files come as zipped files. zipped files are basically compacted files for easy downloading, and they have to be "unzipped" in order to use them.

right click on your folder and click "extract all." (apple users, maybe control click. i haven't dealt with this on a mac.)


it will ask you a couple of questions about where to put the extracted files. figure out where you want them to go and click ok. i usually just go with the default options. you can always move the folder later on as long as you know where to find it.

3. opening your new downloaded font folder:
NOW there will be a matching font folder without a zipper on it. this is your unzipped font. open the folder. it will look something like this:


4. opening your computer fonts folder:
leaving the downloaded font folder where it is, open your control panel (it should be on your start menu). in the search box at the top right, type "fonts." this will appear, or something like it.


click "view installed fonts." it will look like this.


5. copying and pasting your new font into your computer fonts folder:
click your downloaded font folder, in my case, "my turtle," and find the font file. it is a true type font file, the last one listed here (placement will likely be different in your downloaded font folder - that's ok, as long as you find the font file). right click the font file. in the right click drop-down menu, choose "copy."


click your computer font folder. right click somewhere within the folder, but not directly on a font that is already installed (you may need to scroll to the bottom for this). choose "paste."


let it install. check to make sure your new font is in your computer font folder. see "my turtle?"


i hope this helps if you've ever wanted to download a font but weren't sure how to do it. :)